A Prayer for Daniel

That I will hold Daniel in this steady prayer. That the love Daniel desires will find him. That the woman who Daniel desires to share his dreams with will find him. That the healing Daniel needs will find him. That the balance Daniel seeks, will manifest. That the hope within Daniel will grow and overcome the sadness he has known. That his parenting will blossom before him. That Micah and Daniel grow in an everlasting love. That Daniel will have the life he dreams of and more.

That she will forgive Daniel. That she will heal from the hurt she experienced. That Daniel can forgive her. That she will know that God loves her, as God loves all that she created. That she can pick up the pieces of her life that she loves and begin to use them as God intended. Bringing new life to those pieces and asking for Gods grace to integrate the pieces that are not so beautiful that are the shadow of her. Let her see that all that she is was intended by God. God does not want her to be anything other than who she is. God is hopeful that this time in her life will pass and she will know the wealth that comes from working through adversity.

Lord give me the armor that I need to fight this battle. Help me to know that I am not alone and I am with you always. May my heart, mind and hands be blessed with your grace. It is only through you that I can love others, be a shelter to others, a hope to others, a blessing to others, all that I do is through your love for me. Humble me oh, Lord. I suffer but I can endure this. Help me to see the armor, to know that my armor is upon me. Guide my thoughts, my words and my actions. Help me to know that each day I am yours and you are with me. Help me to fall in love with all that you are, that I come to see your beauty in those around me and, in those who are especially hard to love. Help me to stop hiding from others, from my self and my family.

Help me to forgive others when they are not able to receive my kindness and help me to work on being kind and not expecting to receive it back.

Lord, you amaze me and fill my heart with hope.

Fear is a basic emotional sensation and response system ("feeling") initiated by an aversion to some perceived risk or threat.

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown"-H.P. Lovecraft

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin Roosevelt

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

So what do we really fear? Is it something we do or something that we let others do to us? Is it losing something material or something emotional? And what drives it.. The actual fear or what it is we think we'll lose.. Why do we place so much importance on this sensation?

Am I going to see this person ever again? Are they going to like me, love me, hate me, run away from me? Well I keep my security? My job? My car? My house? How long will my life be? Will I have children? How many? Boys or girls? Will I see my parents grown old? Will I see my children have children?

And if we don’t have as much fear as the next person. Does that make us unfeeling? Cold? Distant? Heartless? What is it when the roles are reversed? Are they too emotional? Too sensitive? Insecure?

Where does this fear come from? Do we learn it? Or is it genetically built into us... IF it is that later.. Do we get to chalk that up to survival instincts? And what are the lengths we'll go to prevent some things coming to fruition? A Mother or Father's love? Do we get to color that over?

My fear as I remember it as a child... Trouble, I was in it up to my eyeballs as a kid.. I don’t remember much as a youngster.. I cried when I lost an animal. My sister Father dying.. I think that fear along with finding out he really wasn't my father was and is something I carry with me still. Him dying, leaving me... Then too find out later on there was another that just was simply never there.. Leaving me... I moved so many times as a youngster, I think I finally grew numb to it.. Everyone leaves. Don’t get too attached, they wont be around long enough to make it worth the effort. Don’t get me wrong. That fear is still ever present when your numb.. It fuels it. It builds the moat around your heart. As I got older I was still in major trouble.. Boy I was obstinant. And I shut everyone out. As a parent now, I do know that, that would devistate me. I know I would push harder and try anything. Watching everything my child does.

As an adult? Well, since I have drove myself down that desolate highway. It takes a lot to come back from that. How much do you let in? Are you strong enough? If you let those walls down that were holding you up, do you fall? Do you even know what feeling is? Yes, you do feel things all over. Your consumed by them almost. But what are they?

*example* have you ever taken a glass and filled it to the brim with water? Then take a dropper and add until the point where you see water float like a bubble over the edge, just not breaking..

I feared my husband. His anger, him leaving. his habits, and his love he felt. All those in combination aren't the best recipe for a nice cozy evening on the couch... I feared being alone in a place I knew nobody. I feared raising a child all by myself. I also feared asking for help.

Don’t show weakness. Don’t let them know they hurt you. Survive on your own, that's how you know it's important. That's how you know your worth. No expectation, no disappointment.

Then after I did leave.. For the last few years, closing myself off to any and all for fear of that all happening again? Is someone going to break my heart? Or am I going to break theirs? Am I teaching my child any good lessons by all this? Will she know or recognize and make good choices? Or am I limiting her choices? Do I let her go? What if she doesn't come back?

You remember the no expectation? When you finally come to a realization that you would soo much rather be happy. You want everyone around you. You don’t want walls. You want trust in yourself. It's a great feeling. You feel alive. You feel confident, happy, energetic and ready to face challenges.. Here's where that phrase became your motto in life... And fear sets in again. Like a vicious circle. Things like, this is too good to be true, the other shoe will drop, life is supposed to be hard. But the one that gets you every time.... Bad things always happen to good people.. They just turned their life around, so happy and now this.

But it doesn't stop me from trying.. Im not ready to give up just yet. I like my life. And I want more, lots more. I want to give my child all that I can. At the end of the day. I want to say it's been a good day.. And start all over in the morning...