"A good example is the best sermon." - Thomas Fuller


February 14th, 1993

Cher Whomever:

I am writing this to let you know why I got fried.

Right now I'm cold. But that doesn't bother me much. What bothers me is the fact that I'm alone. Oh well.

I have been planning on getting fubared weeks ago. I thought it might be something to do where I could share some time with someone. But alas, no, that could not happen. So I'm here alone and I'm very depressed.

All I want in this world, at least presently, is someone I have things in common with who I can talk to about anything and share my life with. Someone who will care. Someone who can see that I have been trying hard not to be depressed.

Everybody seems to have a fallback. A place to go when they are depressed. Friends to cheer them up. I really don't have anything. If I did have something like that and it felt good in my heart, then I probably would only do this rarely. But where is this sanctuary?

So, in conclusion. I am going to fry. So I'll see ya later, and I might more later if I really feel like it.


Now it is later. This feels very strange. And only on one hit. That seems very amazing to me. Oh well.

The phone is busy so I can't call through right now.

It is rather amazining how much that little tiny bit effects the whole.

Lets see. I learned that if I don't get figured out, I'll turn into a fish into my next incarnation, or perhaps an insect, and then I will get eaten. That doesn't sound to great. Oh well.

I read a chapter of Chaos and it was interesting. Now the chaos is interesting. It is interesting to see the same chaos form in your own mind. A form that has no forms. A patternless pattern. The book said something mentioning that but I can't remember what it was called then.

It would be interesting to see everyone in the universe like this for about 10 minutes. It would be strange.

I had this dream last night, I was in post nuclear war earth. I went around. Helped cook food for those who needed it. It was a really nice day outside, and I couldn't help commenting on it a couple of times hoping to uplift the hearts of those around me. I saw a midget who wanted to marry another midget, but the cookess said they could not because the male was only 8 years old (looked older to me) and the female was much older. Oh well, nuclear wars and all can screw up the genes, eh... Found some stuff on the ground. Proved that some of my relatives were around in the not so distant past. Maybe dead now. Went through this big doors through several levels of checks and a shot. Allowed into a building where people were trying to form a society or something. They were teaching using out of date books. They wanted to find a way of communicating with the rest of the world. Since the phone lines were all up still, they wanted something for all the time that they would not need to watch. So they came up with using a computer bulletin board system. And since they were all to stupid I did everything for them. But most of them didn't want to listen to reason or logic. Their minds had been scewed off by the devestations they had seen. It had changed their mental capabilities for the worse. I saw Tao there. He wasn't his old self, but I guessed that was because he had seen a lot of death. I saw my old seventh grade teacher, an old man. One of the heads in creating this new society.

I met a Q in my dream earlier than that. In the back field of my house. She was a pain in the ass, but a good looking one. I found some money on the side of the hill. I don't really know how it got there but there sure was a lot. I took it. And Q I guess sent me to post-haulocost earth where I couldn't show anyone my money (even a dollar) for fear of having the living shit beat out of me for it.

Star Wars, a newer version was stuck in their somewhere but it didn't make sense after I woke up this morning so I just left it out.


Now I shall record some of the things going on around me. : Wow...

No really though. I have turned the lights off in my room. I went outside the room but when I walked I felt hundreds of miles hi, a skyscraper trying to walk around the house. Our roomate there. What a weirdo. Oh well.

Remember to always walk around a dark house with a flash light with batteries. Cause you might get lost if you don't. I didn't once and it freaked me out. The dark is really phreaky. My whole universe is made up of this screen, my body, the keyboard, the computer, the stereos sounds. Everything I perceive normally but not normally. It's almost as if one part of my brain is changing a lot of calculations of an object, slightly changing it to my perceptions. These little changes everywhere, the little misfiring everywhere might be much like the butterfly effect I read of in chaos. A little misfiring here and some there and pretty soon perceptions can change to a greater degree.

When I'm like this it is easier to see the "Buddha mind", I believe it is. You can tell me I'm wrong, but that's nothing to worry about nor think about.

When I turn around the universe changes a lot. From the isolation of my computer I'm struck out and seeing a vast and large universe.

Remember to look at the cover of Micheal Jackson's Dangerous later. Holds a lot of meaning which you shouldn't forget.

I don't know what to say about outside. It looks pinkish. It looks warm. Probably only because I'm warm though. Is it a positive or negative feeling? I dunno. Looks positive, if I go outside I'll probably get cold. Is that negative, or just the facts. Just the facts I'll bet.

Am I willing to warp my mind twice this much. I dunno. Well, first lets see if I can make that damn phone call.


Conceptual reality is getting kinda strange. Hmm. Daphne will be home in awhile. Problobly in about 15 minutes, but how long will I perceive that as? I dunno. Sometimes eternities, sometimes seconds.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I have just understood the entirety of the universe. Why don't we see this kind of thing normally? It seems our minds are taken over by useless emotions and now is clear. My mind is almost perfectly clear. When I'm fryed I can let in any stimulus and merely let it be, instead of trying to react with it. Trying to change the outcome. Ah, I see.

The purpose merely is.... It cannot be described in words. If I could do it I surely would be famous. But I can't. I can only see it.

Nothing in the universe matters. Whatever I do I will do. If I just sit here thinking, that's all there is. Good. Or if I decide to do something else, then there I am doing it.

ONe problem is all these things I understand, like a Satori, but cannot write down and by morning if I don't take concsious thought of them they really mean nothing to me. How can I keep them all stacked correctly in my mind?

I will put my jacket on.


If the thing which makes reality worth a kick to me is something that alters my perceptions, cool. Something totally internal, which changes everything external when external reality refuses to change.

"Are you wasting your time, or are you just being kind....?" huh, what?

Madonna sure makes some strange songs. Oh well. I can make reality whetever I want reality to be, in my own mind. Then the universe can grab me again. I'm starting to sound strange and what I'm trying to say just isn't coming out right so I won't try anymore.

See ya later....

It is amazing how much of the universe I can have changed merely by sitting here, looking at my screen, and listening to music on the headphones. I feel like a self contained unit. I was playing joust and it didn't look like a game. I could see an equation which worked around the variables of my flapping and positition in the joust world. I could see a couple of types of so called foes. They usually were characterized by speed. If they would track me to other levels. Instead of seeing games pieces I saw math flying around.

A bird flying to get higher wasn't merely a bird, but a variable trying to reach the highth variable which was given by my bird. I saw the fact that there was a program in the other birds which looked at my when I was at my most volnerable, ie. at my lowest, and would go for just a coordinate above that without looking at any obstacles. So if I went down low, the equation took in that variable (because it seemed to be taking them in on a certain scheduling) I could quickly go just a flap above, or take in the human variable, me. Then I'd be just above them. Hah.