"A good example is the best sermon." - Thomas Fuller
March 25th, 1993
It's Spring Break. Kinda strange for me. I've been essentially alone for the last 6 months. No school. No friends really. But just the last couple of days I've been meeting with some of my old "aquaintances". It isn't the most rewarding feeling in the world.
The other night I was so depressed and hurt by people I really didn't know why I should be mad at anyone. I just knew I had reason to be. And then I figured it out. All day, any time I'm around a person, they do their best to insult me on a constant basis. Like today two people came from Portland (and some others left my house this morning). All they did was yap and insult this or that. One of them said I was too fucking quiet and that my clothes weren't "in" enough. I go through this daily. I don't think anyone should have to be treated like that. And it's hard for me because everyone I know does it to me.
In fact I asked one of my friends if he would just stop and care about someone for once. He got angry with me for asking him that. And I said I cared about him and other people. And he said in a very negative tone that maybe he did, but he does things (some of them illegal) which could get me busted. And I want a good life, with college and friends. It seems like I have this dream in life, and everyone goes around crumpling it up for me and then they treat me like it's no big deal. They treat me like I'm not allowed to have feelings.
It would be nice just to find a caring relationship with someone I can feel close to. Just one person to heal some of the pain and hurt I have. I find it very difficult to even say hi to someone when I'm paranoid that they will insult me for being me. "You're too quiet!" "You don't have enough money!" "I can talk to people, why can't you? Just do it!". I want some person who can understand what it's like to be imprisoned behind a Wall. I want out so badly, but every time I try coming out my battered emotional self is torn into smaller bits than before.
One of my housemates and I used to be friends. But every since he got his girlfriend he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't even come home unless his brother (the person here last night who he supposedly might care) is here. Today he didn't say hi to me. He once came to me months ago and said how much it hurt him because this girl didn't hang around him, that he had to always go hang around her. But if he does that to me it's ok. I shouldn't feel bad because I'm not him. It bothers me how people with the same problem can't even relate because they are so into themselves.
I was talking about all the people I know. Would it suprise you to know that a large amount of them think they are some type of "God" or something. They believe they know everything about everything. I understand people. That's what I understand. But I don't go around saying I understand things I don't.
I really wish I could find someone. I went to the mall today. I didn't see anyone there who struck me as ugly. I rarely ever do because I think people on the whole are really good looking. I wish I could find someone to help me tear down the wall. I can't do it alone. I'm up against armies...