April 30th, 2005
It's actually the 1st of May as I write this but for a time traveler's sake lets pretend it's really late in the evening on the 30th and I haven't spent the last few hours talking with my roomate about Life, the Universe, and Everything. And if I had not have been chatting myself into a rather sleepy state I would have said "Rabbits, Rabbits" as my mother had once taught me that being the first person on the planet to express this phrase on the first of any given month I would be granted good luck--however since I am well aware of the fact that Leprechauns don't believe in rabbits I don't make such utterances in their precense.
Oh, I keep getting these e-mails with no sender, no subject, and no body. Not quite sure what's going on but if you're the pixie sending them my way it may be due to Pygmies address. You might try reaching me at my alternate address which is found on the Communications page.
April 29th, 2005
A day in the life...
I get up after listening to NPR blaring from the clock radio for ten or so minutes. Enough of that, I can listen to the news in the shower while I brush my teeth. Brusha, brusha, brusha. Bubbles, suds, soap up left arm then right, chest, back, legs, face. Wash hair, rinse. Conditioner now. Rinse. Get out of shower, dry off. Walk into closet, get dressed. Close down the house, say goodbye to the cats, grab a yogurt and my briefcase, in to work.
Zoom, zoom. Get stuck behind school bus. High school girls gossiping in the back, looking at my car, checking me out, thinking I must be all that cause of the car, I'm shaking my head, maybe one of them will see past their illusions before they get the crap beat out of them by illusion. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Initial emotion: sadness. Secondary emotion: happiness. The universe is working as it should. Park. Grab briefcase out of the trunk, head inside, say good morning to the maintenance man in the stairwell, three stories, early morning semi-workout. In, head to desk, grab coffee cup, pore some decaf...
Log in. Read. Respond. Phone. Program. Maintenance. Fire control. Read. Respond. Phone. Eat yogurt, enjoy coffee, read CNN, BBC, and Drudge, nothing new. Work, work, work, chat with co-workers. Chat with co-worker on IM, he's working at home, promise to bring his family dinner, (wife just had surgery), chat with friend from Turkey on IM while working. Drink water. Too much water. Use bathroom. Co-worker's last day, wish him well, goodbye, keep in touch mate. Back to work. Back to...1:40pm, cell rings, roomate needs to be picked up from the VW dealership. Okay, I get two calls--short memory I guess. Grab food for friend/co-worker, jump into car, head into traffic. Not much zoom, zoom, zoom.
Pick up roomate. Drop off food. Drop by movie theatre to get tickets for 7:35pm. Ready to drop roomate off but spot a "huge" yard sale. We park, walk to house. Huge yard sale is medium. Head home, get out of car, let roomate in house as she doesn't have her keys. Head back to work. One SUV driver jumps out in front of me and I hit my brakes--he gets a horn and a, "Careful!" type glare. A minute later another woman almost pulls into me as she's not aware blinkers are helpful--thank you psychic empathy! I zoom, zoom by in 2nd. Zoom!
Login. Finish up week's tasks. Fill in timesheet. Chat with co-workers. Chat with manager. Roomate challenges me on IM without words. Roomate has karmically challenging experience and logs off. Check personal e-mail. Chat with friend from Turkey--pushed with serious subjects and questions--not sure how to answer but do the best I can while at work. Ask for a good Turkish recipe. Recieve promise of good Turkish recipe. Send e-mail to possibly 1/3rd of company of major change made during the last 48 hours, crossing fingers for positive reception. Roomate calls, needs to pick up car. Grab suitcase, wish co-workers well, rush down to car.
Zoom home. Pick up roomate and daughter. We talk about the work she needs to do on car. Karma flinging. I prefer music, but I listen. Daughter silently listens to her favourite music in the back seat. Drop roomate off at VW dealership, daughter and I head back home for a quick dinner before the movie.
My daughter says, "Yes!" one of her favourite songs is on. I turn it up.
Traffic, traffic, thoughts racing through my mind. Get to the on-ramp, red lights are on. Car to the left has a bumper sticker that says, "DARE to think for yourself." Pot smokes coming out the window and they put me deeper in thought.
Get home. Go inside. Daughter reads some, cleans bed. Makes herself leftovers. I check e-mail and lift weights. Get ready for movie. Roomate arrives home. Talk, talk. Karmic balance? No. Compensation I suggest. Questioning acceptance.
Pack in car. Go to theatre. Good, don't have to buy tickets. Hey, there's a Lotus in the parking lot. Kewl! Get tub of popcorn, plenty of butter, two medium drinks, one cherry pepsi, one sprite, one small popcorn. The girl behind the counter has beautiful brown eyes, I wish her well, does she understand? Yes and no. We head into theatre...packed with people as crazy as I am.
Previews, previews, previews.
Eat popcorn. Watch movie. Laugh. Think. Compare. Smile. Tickle daughter. Oh my, gotta pee. Oh my, I haven't had any caffiene in a week, any sugar water in several weeks--I feel nauseated and high all at the same time.
How'z that for karma, my friend?
Movie ends. Rush to bathroom. Everything is low to the ground for the kids, ug. Or maybe it's this liquid toxin in my system. Back pops. Dry hands leaning over? Heck, I'll use my pants this time.
Walk out to car. Head home. Get hot tub started. Tuck daughter in. Roomate dissapears. Turn on TV, record Battlestar Galactic. Offer for her to come in and watch with me--she gets it and makes a choice. What a pain in the arse breath of fresh air! A realization goes through my mind, that whole thing in the Bible about clearing the log in your eye before pointing out the splinter in someone else's--I always thought it was a parable about hypocrisy but now I understand it's really about enlightenment and the illusions of karma. Damn, that Jesus guy was a smart cookie!
TV show finishes. Check hot tub, barely warm. Get glass of wine. Everyone's asleep but me :( Look up the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything because I don't have it to share with you. Contemplate psychic "vibes" of the day. Put ring in prayer box. Think about morning, daughter's karate demonstration, hoping for good weather, lawn work, planting vegetables, setting up the life, making life, choice, word, and breath.
April 28th, 2005
As you may know I don't write about politics much anymore. In fact, though I continue to stay informed through a broad array of media outlets representing a spectrum of biases (after all, being subjective creatures to say anything is unbiased is ignorant of the reality), I don't care to "talk politics" much as peoples' views have solidified and narrowed in the last few years...and frankly there's not much of a point when you can see around the corner.
Gut feelings, you have them, I have them too damn much. Okay, I didn't see 9-11 but I knew we were going into Iraq the moment junior was made the Republican candidate and I was entirely accurate about the lies he'd tell to do it. I knew he would act like a spoiled rich boy and cause enormous damage to the environment, public education, the perception of America in the international realm--and I'm not even handing out specific cases for any of those. And so on...
Sometimes I wished I kept track. But for the most part I don't care to say, "I told you so," and I don't care to prove that I knew. I know I knew, that's enough. If you don't trust yourself, who can you trust? And if you think you need to argue with me regarding it one way or the other--don't you have any passions other than arguing?
You gotta love Bush though, he fools so many so easily. For instance today while talking about revamping social security he said, quite clearly, that his plan will allow those that want to be on social security to continue to get the same or BETTER benefits and allow others to have private accounts. I'm not so sure of his math (especially since he can barely speak the mother tongue) but lets bare with him.
A good magician tricks you into looking at their right hand while they do something with their left. The sad thing here is our lingually challenged leader tells us outright, "Hey, we have a plan that'll give you the same benefits or better but you must continue to believe Social Security is FUCKED so we can have private accounts too!""A sphincter says what?!" - Wayne and/or Garth (yes, I am old)
And even worse not one reporter had the sharpness of mind to ask him to clarify this logically challenged statement!
Okay, so enough of that political rambling. On a semi-related tangent there's a headline I read on CNN today that said "Police seek missing fiance".
It doesn't say, "Police seek missing woman," after all, she was a woman, wasn't she? Wait, that would be too broad, lets try again. "Police seek missing daughter." Nope, still too broad 'cause if she's a woman she's also a daughter of somebody. How about: "Police seek high school graduate!" Okay, we're narrowing it down again. And yes, "Police seek missing fiance," narrows it even more--but there are a lot of engaged people, don't you think?
Earlier I saw a news source say "Police seek wife-to-be".
Noticing a theme?
What can be more American than the pressumption of guilt?
Honestly, though, I don't mind bias in the news. It keeps me sharp. And it's funnier than half of the stuff on Comedy Central--well, sometimes ;-)
On a completely unrelated note...Have you ever noticed that most people won't let you touch them on a soul level unless the interaction is a karmically agreed upon negative one? And how few people are truly open to genuine compliments?
Do you see how those two are connected?
Okay, i'm off to bed. Much work to do tomorrow then...oh...tomorrow's gonna be awesome! :-)
April 27th, 2005
Wow, what a good day. It wasn't crazy at work like it was Monday and Tuesday and I was able to leave, come home, and get my hands dirty in the soon-to-be garden. Okay, so I jumped into a rose bush with a tank top on and scraped up my arms a bit, but it looks much better--now to plant some vegetables :-)
So what was one good thing that happened to me today? The DVD Duplicator we budgetted arrived--which means I can now automate the burning of CD's--a job which I would have to waste days doing by hand in the past. And now I can even submit jobs from my bedroom so no more staying late, going in early, etc. Woohoo!
So last night I was in New Renaissance Bookshop and was looking for a different kind of incense than I normally burn (I plead the fifth) when a pixie told me, "Get the sandlewood!" "But I don't know what sandlewood smells like," I argued but that little voice in my head said, "Get it anyway!"
So last night I get home and sit down at my desk and light the sandlewood and wham, I feel like I'm hit in the head. I know this scent. Not only do I know it, it's an old scent from years and years and years ago and...and I couldn't put my finger on it. Before I went to bed I lit some more, crawled up into bed, petted one of the cats who must always be there the moment I'm in, and THAT SMELL!
And I can't put my finger on it. Someone I used to know used to burn Sandlewood and I can't for the life of me figure out who. Merd!
So if that's not karma and ignoring my guides the other day thus breaking my water bottle isn't either then I don't know what is. Oh wait, how about this one. So the I've been thinking about dedicating a large part of my life to something personal that I don't wish to share with anyone and tonight I was challenged in a huge way to go against that by a 'completely external force' (I surround that statement as it's arguable whether or not there's such a thing in a quantum sense).
And you know what? I survived the challenge. I win. And I get a few more bites of sorbet.
Oh hey, take a peek at the Visions page (like to the left). I took a bunch of pictures around the place today for fun before I stuck my hands in the dirt.
April 26th, 2005
Thing I enjoyed today:
- A beautiful country drive
- Strawberry sorbet
- Peach yogurt
- A quick bike ride
- Browsing through a bookstore
- That guy at work
- Stretching in the morning
April 25th, 2005
Easter Island. They got humungus monoliths there. Not as kewl as say the pyramids and not as flashy as Vegas. Why should any of us care that their population growth wasn't restrained and they used up their natural resources and killed each other off and starved to death.
Ancient Rome. They had things pretty good. The Ceasers gave citizens more rights and protection than people in most cultures had every had. They kept their religions, their cultures, and could spent their leisure hours watching theatre in the local colloseums. Then they lost sight of the importance of education and culture and instead focused on their affluence. And then the barbarians invaded over and over--cause if you've got it someone's gonna want it. Less education, less culture, more focus on the glorious past and the leaders were warriors, not educated men. More invasions, citizens loose their earlier rights, Rome falls to pieces, a symbol, an X and a P, a put upon Roman shield and religious furvor takes over.
Why should this matter to us?
April 24th, 2005
I picked a dandy lion half way through my jog and stuck it in my arm band before heading back on my way.
I used to pick flowers and wonder why they'd die. Now I plant, trim, and water those around my home, enjoy the ones that are not, and sometime I'll pick one and when it dies I'll take a picture to remember it.
Then my cats will eat it--because that's what animals only slightly more bizarre than I do.
A friend of mine recently reminded me that I don't listen as well as I'd like to think. Okay, so I'm a great listener, that's what I thought most of my life--and you know, compared to most I can be very attentive and make a detailed mental list of A, B, and C, (while I was also multitasking on the grocery list, three things I needed to do at work, putting oil in the car, when I was going to go out and excercise next, and what bills were coming up).
That's not listening, you stupid fuck!
Okay, I'm being a little hard on myself and as "the psychic" told me I shouldn't do that (and to some extend I have to agree, I'm quite skilled at ripping myself with undue criticism). But in a way I've earned this, it's my karma and if there's one thing about me it's that I have a twisted enjoyment of sticking my nose in my karma and saying, "Look what you did on the carpet, bad-naughty Aslynn!"
And you could say, "Aslynn, jeeze, aren't you being a little too serious?" but then I have to ask you what you'd do if you could remember your birth, can remember before you were born, why you decided to come into this life, why many of those around you did, and in the last five years have gained an uncanny ability to see karma flowing about your eyes and ears and skin and fingers and smelling so beautiful in its infinitily complex rythmic music and then you see...well...you see more than you have the words to explain (or the wisdom to know with whom to share).
Okay, so maybe you don't believe in karma and that's okay. I have many friends that don't and that's fine. But it explains so much and it has allowed me to see the coming and going of more than the seasons and the rose petals but also of my happiness and sadness and of yours too and know...well, know more than I'm quite ready to share with anyone.
And so now I will practice a new way. I will not fill myself with logicial argument or analyzing points. I am quite proficient in this art form when I choose to and words I am fairly adept at swirling around my little finger as my play things. For them there will again be a time and a place--but not today.
Now is the time to let go and to listen.
I've made another decision, I made it two days ago, to do something with my life. It is an honorable dedication, an invisible testament, and a private matter.
I must go now. I'll write more tonight after I get back from the expo.
It's now 11pm, time for bed. Nope, nope, I said I'd write after getting back from the expo so here I am writing. Dribble. My daughter has been interested in psychic readings for some time so her mother paid for her to see someone named--well I'd tell you but I can't find her pic in the PDF so we'll have to say simply that she got to have her first experience with a "paid" psychic (gotta make the differentiation as everyone in this house is a wee bit gifted). She enjoyed that and then was cajoled into a little biofeedback for 5 minutes. I bought myself this humungous water bottle that said, "Take me to work tomorrow!"
After making stir fry my roomate and I spent the evening discussing parenting and some issues we are having that we wrote out on the white board and will get back to tomorrow. She went to bed. I checked the mail, paid a bill, excercised (third time today, this trend is starting to spook me), hung a fearie by the neck, licked another one on the back...oh my, do you really want to know? :)
So here I am and it's past my bedtime. And my roomate gave me hell about my "private matter" but some things you've just gotta keep private. This is just one of those things I wish to focus on in my own headspace...if it is meant for others to know they will find out. Either way, I continue on this personal journey alone in-as-much as it can only be taken upon oneself in such a manner.
And so I prepare myself for bed and wish I could instead listen to Art Bell for an hour or two but alas, he must wait until tomorrow at work (thank the pixie for StreamLink!).
Goodnight and take care,
April 23rd, 2005
I didn't write today. C'est la vie mes amis.
April 22nd, 2005
Okay, I admit it's really just a few minutes into the 23rd but I'm staying up a wee bit later than I'd expected due to the length of the movie we watched earlier. Again, many kudos to the Chinese in Hong Kong, House of Flying Daggers was an absolutely beautifully filmed story (although, admittedly a cliche one ;) Same director did Hero as well, a georgous and fantastic romp through Chinese legend and history. And buggers, I just read he did Raise the Red Lantern--a film my best friend has said nothing but good about.
So why do I sit here most nights writing something before laying me down to sleep?
I've had a few people accuse me of egoism. Isn't it obvious? Most web sites are to make money and this one isn't about making money so it must be about my ego. Wait, I spoke too soon! There are also fan sites so maybe I should bow down in reverence to the almighty Brittany--and since I'm not doing something like that it must be all about ego, right?
I am bored by such narrow mindedness. The universe is a helluvalot bigger. Does one really need to become psychic to figure that one out?
(The answer is "No, but it doesn't hurt"--okay, I lied, it can hurt)
Then I've known at least two that didn't care why I was writing only that they could stand about like voyeurs. They used my journals as a way to keep tabs, to manipulate, to use, and to gossip. Then when I didn't play "the game" this site suddenly became about ego again.
Things that make you go, "Hmmmm..."
I've had some ask me why I have a web cam in my room. Doesn't it make me uncomfortable? Why would I want to allow anyone to look into my room, into my life?
Years ago I didn't like the way I looked, I was insecure about anyone being in my "private" space. No more. What does that say?
The thing is I've answered these questions before and I will answer them all again. Most of us, no matter how well intentioned, create our view of the universe and others, both past and present, based on our own meandering experience. We can't help it, in these physical bodies we are all children of conditioning. We put thing in boxes, even if that box is to think at first The Temple is the focal point for a sadistic cult of mad pygmies that perform strange forest rituals (this is by far my favourite explanation for the site!).
Are we slaves to conditioning? Am I? Are you?
Do you choose?
Maybe there's a deeper answer and if you look you will find it. Maybe I write because it's like breathing. Maybe I share because I know someone will listen and someone will learn. Maybe I write because I'm not perfect but I've come a hell of a long way and I want to share some of that with you. Maybe I do it because I used to be fucked up and I got where I am today in spite of myself. And you can too. And maybe I write to challenge myself to share more and more without fear when I have every reason not to share and every reason to be afraid.
And maybe we should spend our lives learning to listen better.
Do you want to learn, to grow, to challenge your conditioning, to jump out of your box and the shackles that make you think this is the way things "have to be"? Do you want to see a bigger world for yourself and for others?
Why is it most common to like or dislike a thing instead of simply accepting something without partiality?
I tell my daughter to try a new food a few times before she decides whether she likes it or not. Such has been the manner in which I have brought certain culinary joys into my life: tuna sushi dipped in soy sauce richly embellished with wasabi, fresh baked pita bread dipped in warm-tangy hummus, and once a blue moon a single shot of Tennessee whisky straight down.
Do I stop there? Do I say, "I have tasted all I need to taste, I have my favourites, the hell with the rest!"? Do I stop challenging myself and pushing myself and questioning myself?
On that note I've made a decision to do something with my life for an undefined length of time, possibly for the rest of my life. Can you guess what it is?
All my best,
April 21st, 2005
I need to go clean out the litter box.
Do you understand?
April 20th, 2005
I am writing early today because I may go out and enjoy some of this nice weather this afternoon. I thought about jogging but my body is sore from yesterday's jog and I hate jogging with my old radio (long story, not worth getting into). And tonight I'd like to finish my book on Rome so I can finish up a few other books. or maybe I'll get more into one of the other books! I dunno! :) Whatever happens, the hot tub's going to be part of the equation.
For those who are curious my daughter is feeling much better today. She stayed home with her mother and thank the goddess I got to go to work because--well, although there was a thrill to seeing her finally sick for once (and now able to empathize with that portion of the human race without perfect immune systems), she doesn't behave well when she's not feeling well.
Then again, 99% of adults don't either so there we have it.
So as some of you know I worked from home yesterday. Turned on the computer at 9am and switched the tv onto CNN and saw the white smoke indicating that a new Pope was chosen. The crowd cheered and I too, felt enormous happiness for the Catholic church.
And with that I'd like to say a prayer, "May the Catholic Church under the leadership of this new pope bring more of the kindness, compassion, understanding, and love, that Jesus taught and shared, into this world."
The next fifty years are gonna be interesting. Without wise spiritual leaders to help us we're going to see...well, things we're not ready for. May we walk with wisdom for all peoples and creatures and things always.
Amen et etc.,
April 19th, 2005
Little kids aren't born with responsibility. They come out of the womb saying, "The toy broke," and have to be taught by constant vigil of the parents and the culture that, "I broke the toy."
Language is important. It influences how we communicate with each other and how we see the universe.
I had, like, a good day. Oh, so I didn't have a good day. Oh, yes I, like, did, yo?
I hate to be one of these grumbling old farts, but language is important. Sure it changes and evolves with the culture, but we should, as a society, be more cognizant of the changes and what those changes say. Do they mean we're become a more responsible society or less of one? Do they mean we're becoming more intelligent, wise, thoughtful, exact, or more vague, careless, and fair weather?
So here's an assignment for you this week. Listen to people around you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, and that guy who fills your car with gas. Ask yourself what their use of language is saying about themselves.
On another subject, I remembered what the secret ingredient of my best strawberry smoothies was: cranberry juice! OMG! Bloody delicious! :-)
Oh, and before I forget my daughter's been sick. I stayed at home today to work so I had one monitor with work going on it and another with the tv and she way lying in bed spaced out with the flu watching television from her bed across the hall and, being almost as weird as her dad, she let me take this picture of her penultimate space cadet pose.
April 18th, 2005
Tonight's entry is going to be short so pay attention.
I have two people I care about that are locked in mortal combat. I understand where they are at, I've been there myself. But there is a time to pick up one sword and times to pick up a glass of lemonade and if they don't get things worked out I'll be putting down my drink. More on that tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'll also talk about how language influences a culture. Like, don't you take responsibility for it or not? The toy broke did it? Come back for elaboration :-)
A few films I watched this weekend:
Jean Reno in Les Rivieres Pourpres II - Les Anges de l'Apocalypse - Good French action film (although Wasabi is much better, especially if you enjoy sushi from time to time ;)
The Wooden Camera is a South African film about two black boys that find a body and with it a gun and a video camera. It's a great examination of perception, superficiality, racism, classism, and friendship. Definitely worth checking out if you like something a little different.
About 1/4th to 1/3rd of all films I watch are Foreign films. And I've come to the following admittedly biased conclusions:
- The English make the best romantic comedies.
- The French make the best action films.
- The Japanese make the best horror.
- The Chinese make the best dramas.
- America makes the best second rate copies of them.
C'est la vie, n'est pas mes amies?
April 17th, 2005
Dogen once said:"This life of one day is a life to rejoice in. Because of this, even though you live for just one day, if you can be awakened to the truth, that one day is vastly superior to an eternal life...If this one day in the lifetime of a hundred years is lost, will you ever get your hands on it again?"
Don't you think it's odd? At any given moment there are an infinite number of possibilities yet out of those possibilities most of us only make a handful of choices. While you're sitting here browsing this site you might have a positive reaction so you choose to have X response or you have a negative reaction and you choose Y or your mind is somewhere else and it's Z. And always for positive, negative, and somewhere else you so often choose X, Y, and Z, respectively. We call this a strong ego, a solid personality, consistency. Too often we call this "sanity".
Have you ever noticed that sometimes we recognize a few more possibilities than we normally would but instead of taking one of these and holding it close to our hearts as a treasure we fall into our own personal fantasy world? Instead of doing something a little different our internal dialog goes on overdrive, "Damn, if only I could do this other thing!" We fantasize about non-possibilities because somehow they're more appealing than the possibilities. It's our conscious extension of our personal drama and in this way we handicap ourselves.
I was on the crux of such a choice today.
I'd just parked in downtown Portland a block away from New Renaissance. I returned after purchasing a book and some Buddhist prayer beads for my best friend. I walked to the car and noticed all these beautiful pink petals on the sidewalk and their reflection in the door was absolutely georgous and my frist thought was, "I wish I had my Nikon with me!"
I opened the driver's side door, tossed the book on the passenger seat, then walked back to the sidewalk and pulled out my cell phone and snapped this picture. It's not the vision I had in my head, the vision I could have captured with the D-100 in my hands. I didn't gripe over the fantasy of a perfect picture in my head, over a non-possibility--I took the present moment and I squeezed the possibilities. I choose to live consciously.
Imagine what you could do if you could find just three to six different ways to respond to a situation, feeling, perception, accomplishment, failure, or memory.
April 16th, 2005
So as not to have a gentle entrance into this evenings journal I have only a few things I want out of the rest of my life.
The first is to learn and to do my best at everything I can and learn as much as I possibly can and by learn I mean something entirely different than the English language supposes.
The second thing is rather superficial and may or may not come to pass based on egotistical circumstance and financial providence. Can you guess it?
The next to do something I am already doing and need to recognize in every moment that I have done a thousand times before and will continue to do without error throughout my mistakes, errors, and "misfortunes".
The fourth is a given and will not be understood until...or perhaps it already is in a way I cannot explain to you.
And so I have often thought about the balance I must keep in my life and on my web site between saying too much and saying too little. What are you, dear reader, ready to hear? What are you ready to learn from? Will you understand? Will you see?
I know that sounds like spiritual gobligook and yes, once upon a time there was a place and time where I would sit for literally hours trying to get a single sentence right to convey an idea but I'm no longer willing to do that. For the sake of sanity I cannot. As someone once said, "Your teacher will appear when you are ready for them."
"Blah, blah, blah," I say as a well meaning smirk alights on my face.
I was talking about the "gentle balance", was I not?
A few years back I used to talk about everything and anything on this site without limitation. After having several people take advantage of me with help of my journals (one of you is still reading it--goddamnit, you're still reading this aren't you?) I became much more reserved. At one point, a few years ago, I had to stand up for myself here and yes, someone threatened to sue me over it (at which point I responded honestly but still, to this day, my words hold true)--and even saying that, what will you think of me? If you think negative then you are quite frankly prejudice and if you think positively then you are quite frankly addicted.
I tell the truth, my truth, from my little corner or the universe, as best as I'm able.
Wasn't I talking about gentle balance? How to keep that? My goddess, I don't yet have the wisdom to know how to keep it! Skip to the quote at the end, you will hear my feelings on the matter! The responsibility is too great for me right now.
* * *
When I bought this house I never thought I'd want it for the slugs. I know you won't understand, but there's a slug on my deck. He or she (I haven't yet been properly educated on determining the sex of a slug) has shown up for the past week or two near the hot tub whenever I turn it on. The last time my roomate and I were out there together and the slug kept coming closer and closer, then started crawling on a towl that had been out there in the rain. I commented how it was a very strange slug and acted more like a cat (although it couldn't have been the reincarnation of my recently deceased--it acted far too...how do I put it...far too interested in getting our attention).
Tonight it sat out there in its usual place, about two boards from the hot tub, and did not move. Maybe it was dead? I don't know how to take the heart beat of a slug so there's no way to tell. But I know this slug has had a certain beauty that no other slug has claimed in my life. And that has made all the difference.
While I was out there I was reading a book about the Roman Empire and thinking an unrelated thought about addiction.
I used to smoke. At the time I would have said I was a smoker but I know now that I wasn't. I just smoked. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?
I used to drink a lot of soda. I used to eat fast food a lot and all sorts of crap. I used to stay up until I practically fell asleep on my desk and I used to stare at myself as I did the things I least wanted to do.
Do you understand that?
If I were into modern psychology I might create a new psychotherapy based on the premise that all people are inherentely addicted and that life itself is an addiction. We're addicted, you and I, my friends. Some of us are addicted to methamphetamines. Others are addicted to cigarettes. Others to food. Are you addicted to sex? To attention? Maybe your addiction is anger or the conviction that you're always right, those stupid goddamn mother fuckers!!! And maybe we're all addicted to the people in our lives because they help us maintain the illusion that our addictions are healthy.
If you could honestly sit down and put your addictions aside, whatever they might be, what would happen to your life?
Peace or termoil?
And would it be worth it?
And so as I do a little research on the web tonight I'm watching the second DVD of the Dune series shown on Sci-Fi a few years back. Near the start Paul Maudib says to his wife, "[There are] things still hidden from me, places I can't go, things I can't see." His lover responds, "Don't you ever worry that just trying to see the future changes it?"
Don't you think about that, my friend? I know at least one of you has and it scared you into the quiet, dark, and candles and you told no one but the universe and your best friend who is now gone and you kept going forward regardless for fear your path might be broken but don't you want something better?
I don't have delusions of grandier by any means, but I came to realize in the hot tub tonight that I'm at the fulcrum. There are things I cannot see, places I can not go--with you, with...with so many things--and I wonder if every time I learn to understand the nature of things, of karma, of you, of those you are in relation with, of it all... I am not afraid like I used to talk about being. But I sometimes wonder if it wasn't better to drink and smoke and gossip and hate and blind myself to the simple realities of superficial pleasures.
I am not the fulcrum but I am at the fulcrum. Which way should I fall?
And that is how it will feel...like falling...up...
April 15th, 2005
Here I was sitting at my desk this afternoon while my daughter was at Karate and my roomate was between errands. I got this cup from an Australian woman, the mother of a friend of the family, who died a few years ago. It is one of only a couple pieces of fine china I own and it is frankly the most beautiful cup in my cupboard.
There is a woman at work that gave me a complimentary laugh one day while we were outside during a fire drill. There I stood, pair of Levis, bright red turtleneck, black jacket, sunglasses, black cap with silver flames--and calmly sipping on a similar tea glass.
Can I be blamed if I've got classy tea cups?
The last few days have been emotionally challenging. I'm not sure most of you will understand so I'll try to explain. It started yesterday morning, I had this "feeling" that someone was thinking about me and was going to contact me and as I found myself struggling against some terribly frustrating computer bugs--well, the expectation and the bug frustration intermingled and I had one too many cups of coffee (I drink a lot less than I used to so I've become quite sensitive to caffiene) and I'm like arg, I need to leave and get away from this computer and go home and get in the dirt and pull weeds for three hours! And indeed, at 5:20 as I was about to leave I checked my personal e-mail, saw the letter, went, "Jeeze, Aslynn, you should know by now to trust yourself!" and I went home and pulled weeds for two hours, had a healthy dinner, then jumped in the hot tub.
Today I got to work and I felt the same way. What was up? Something unexpected but good was going to happen but what? I hate the knowing but not knowing--well, maybe I could have known but so much of my focus was on this computer bug as I didn't want to be working the weekend (I fixed it!). So here I am banging my head on this code, talking to my roomate on MSN about her frustrations regarding her relationship with her mom, and I'm honestly ready to smack the both of them because they love each other but are almost going out of their way to make it seem like they hate each other--can't we all just get along? ;)
So I'm sitting there coding and talking to her and listening to Coast to Coast AM on my headphones and I turn around and there are about six or seven engineering managers surrounding me and my face must have showed, "Oh shit, what now?!" because they all started laughing.
After three years of hard work and dedication I've been recognized for my hard work. I didn't know what to say but I said thank you.
It was worth the wait.
On an arguably unrelated subject, when I was talking to my roomate I brought up how interesting human beings are. We chase our egos in circles with contradictory wants, needs, desires, and perceptions of reality--well, 98% of us do, anyway. The other two percent? As I put to my roomate, "What's worse, to be the dog being tricked into chasing its tale or the dog who choses to chase its tale?"
Okay, so I'm not a shaman or a wise man in any traditional sense but I have dedicated my life to the search for knowledge, finding a better way, "just doing it", discovering, clearing karma where I can, yadda-yadda. I don't want to start a cult and I don't need anyone to read my words. If I keep one soul from suffering as someone once said.
And that's enough for me.
Of course, maybe I just like the whole Green Pygmies thing.
April 14th, 2005
I want to find that perfect moment. Do you know it? That perfect moment in the evening where the sun is in the right spot just on or over the horizon, that perfect moment where all the greens are the most green and all the purples the most purple and everything is blooming and new and alive and I want to be standing out on the deck breathing in the colours.
I want to take every moment and squeeze the juice from it. I want to take every molecule and understand the meaning. I want now to be the best time to be living or to be dying or to be teaching or to be learning.
I had someone shoot me a thought sometime in the last several weeks wishing...well, how do I correctly interpret a thought? Simply put, they weren't willing to come here and read my journal every day though they wondered what I had written when they hadn't visited. So here I have been in this conundrum, for the past year or so (I believe, don't quote me) I've completely overwritten past entries in favour of the present entry--a sort of Buddhist or Native American washing away of the sand painting--yet at the same time...at the same time so many thoughts, too many to share and ask your indulgence.And so back to an old way, an old fashion, an old habit, I will be keeping archives of my "blog" (I hate that word for reasons lost in wind and sand). I will link them after my normal logs so if you're interested, there you go. If not, there you go. Either way, there you go :-)
April 13th, 2005
Are you in the spiritual buffet line? Do you find a new religion, a new philosophy, a new way to live every few months or years, go to your table, throw on a little salt, gobble it down, then get up for something else? Is that why you come here today?
There's a Dave Matthews Band song--I don't know the song--I hear the lyrics, "A bird doesn't wait to die till he learns how to fly."
That's what I'm doing with my life. Not quite ready to completely jump out of the nest, but I'm close, very close.
How about you?
What have you done to live your life with conscious resolve? How have you changed yourself to be the person you want to be? Have you overcome your obstacles, have you pushed through the forest of barbs (ego) to be healthy and unafraid on the other end?
Have you learned to judge yourself by the moment? Or are you still judging by the past, the future, your weight, your hair, your job, your car, your financial standing, your intelligence?
The Buddha was wandering through India shortly after his enlightenment. Several men encountered him, and sensed something quite extraordinary about the handsom monk. "Are you a god?" they asked.
"No," he answered."Well, are you a deva or an angel?"
"Some kind of wizard or magician?"
"No," he said again.
Finally, perplexed, the men asked, "Well, what are you?""I am awake," he answered.
That is how I want to be. Don't you?