Journal

July 27th, 2005

Oh, it's so late. I've been extraordinarily tired this week so I'd planned to hit the sack early but then I made a mistake, logged into my work machine, and noticed a glitch--and knew if I didn't have things ready for someone tomorrow morning there'd be karma secretly flying about (which would become tangible within a week). Oh, that's pure joy.

*sigh*

So while I'm getting this last bit of work done I'm watching a movie on TV called The Gift with Cate Blanchett. She's a psychic who's caught up helping the police solve a murder and she knows things she's not telling people and I'm sitting here going, "Jeez, why don't you just tell them what you know?!"

A minute later I slapped myself. There's a thousand plus reasons why and here are a few:

Being publically rediculed

Having to defend yourself

Having to explain exactly what your skills are (and aren't) while doing 2 and 3

Knowing what the result of being honest with someone is before opening your mouth--and recognizing the futility of it

Recognizing that communicating such things can have a powerful impact on the world (psychic knowledge can be karmically charged

Merry Go Round fatigue - In other words, said person is on the ride, you aren't, and you don't want to go in circles with them

And so today I did something very uncharacteristic of myself, that is, I bought a very expensive moto jacket. Why is that different? Well, when I make a big purchase I spend a great deal of time researching, determining if it is a good use of my wallet. Not only that, I make sure it's something I will use and to be honest the only time I've ever ridden a motorcycle was when I was six or seven sitting on the gas tank of my uncles cruizer, holding on tight, and grinning as the wind went through my hair. So though I've technically been on one I have never driven one. So now I have this Joe Rocket Meteor jacket hanging in my closet screaming, "Wear me, oh fool, and scare the shit out of your mum for she will always worry about you!"

I love her though.

My friends, here's to the weekend. May it get here a little faster!

July 26th, 2005

Last Friday my best friend Vipassana and I went to Hollywood Video to find something to watch before hitting the sack and getting up early the next day and head off to Walla Walla (which we eventually did after a trip to Harry & David to pick up some gifts and then to a motorcycle store to, well, drool--at least me). I digress, so we got to the movie store and she's interested in getting Constantine, which neither of us have seen, and I'm fine with that but they're out of copies but on the bright side that means we get it free next time. So she's at the counter getting them to enter the freebie into the computer and I'm wandering around when I notice Ellen Muth sorta grinning back at me and my I have one of those pseudo-orgasmic 'yes' moments after which I grab all four DVD's of the second season, run to the counter, and say, "The Hell with Constantine!"

And so within less than a week my roomate and I have managed to watch all the episodes, one after the other. Though they weren't anywhere as good as the first seasons (particularly the first four episodes, which seemed like they were written/produced by different people altogether) there was something refresshing seeing my old friends in Der Waffle House again.

Tonight I experienced a bitter sweet moment as I watched the last episode of Dead Like Me ever made--ever to be made.

Now some who have "known" me in the past would say that I enjoy this show because it deals with death. To that I have to say no, you didn't know me as well as you thought and though I once had a prediliction for death I loved this series because it is about the passion for life.

And if you don't have that, you're more dead than I ever was.

P.S. Isn't my last web cam shot utterly horrid tonight! Tee-hee! ;)

July 25th, 2005

There's this character on the new Battlestar who is--well, she's a Cylon and there are "many copies" of her, two of which take up major screen time. One, who's on the battlestar, has suspected her Cylon heritage due to a few memory black-outs. The other knew all along she was a Cylon and pretended she wasn't so she could befriend a stranded human.

The Cylon who represses the knowledge of herself blows sections of the Galactica to pieces. She lies and tries to cover her tracks--and get those who care most for her to help her with the deception. She later tries to commit suicide by shooting herself in the face and only later, after recouperating and finding some semblance of peace, decides it might be a good idea to attempt to assasinate the Commander.

The Cylon who accepts the knowledge of herself at first plays a role to deceive the stranded human. As she lies she finds herself learning that there's more to herself than simply self knowledge, but a deeper, more meaningful person inside that cares about others. She allows herself to be shot to prove herself and after recouparating and finding some semblance of peace has found a real connection with someone who is undeniably different than her.

The Cylon who denies herself lives within self imposed chaos and pain. The other is, I suspect, on the road that leads towards transformation.

Once upon a time I repressed the knowledge of myself, at least when it became "inconvenient". There were certain things I wanted in my life and I had these strange beliefs about how to obtain them and these ideas didn't exactly match up with who I was but no matter, it was about insecurity, obsession, impatience, you know.

What a fucked up way to live...

And then I woke up. Granted, it wasn't easy and most of the time I felt like I needed a cup of coffee or two (or ten) to keep my eyelids open and while I was in this state I tripped more than I wanted and had to pull my forehead away from the pavement. Being true to myself wasn't easy, it was the hardest goddamn thing I've ever done--but I suspsect it's the one thing that's lead to my transformation.

Today was an interesting day. I got up early to take my daughter, who is back home again for a short time, to her day camp. Then I went to work, work, work, work, coffee, news, work. Around lunch time (I rarely eat more than some yogurt during the day) I drove to a credit union, signed up, and refinanced Satori and saved a lot of money and tomorrow I refinance the house and save a lot more money and then I go insane, buy a bike, and ever so timidly hit the roads. Oh, and I recieved the letter I've been expecting and was almost laughing at myself--I mean, I saw it in the morning and the guys bought more M&M's. I gotta listen to my own advice to my daughter, "Pay attention!"

Yesterday I jogged two miles without stopping. Here's some background for you so you can put this into perspective. I HATE JOGGING. Or more correctly, I used to HATE jogging. Even when I was younger, I never enjoyed running. Sure, I had a sprinter's body and could beat most of the people in my high school without practice, but I had no stamina and didn't see the point in going from point A to point B once I'd done it once. I mean, there, I did it, didn't you see? Sure, they tried to get me on the track team but I wasn't interested. And they begged me to join cross country but after loosing my breath and feeling like my legs were going to fall off I decided jogging was for the terminally insane or perpetually bored.

Every few years, though, I'd try this jogging thing out again, mostly as a way to get/keep in shape. I'd jog a few times over a couple of weeks and then just give up. Then this last time I didn't give up, I just kept going out every two to three days, sometimes even three days in a row, and walk-run a 2 mile stretch through the park behind my house. I'd run about half of the stretch and walk the other half, in intervals that would allow me to push myself without pushing myself too far (which has all to often been a character trait of mine).

Yesterday I went out, got to the path, and said, "Aslynn, lets try something different. Lets use all the skills we've learned over the past three or four months. Lets trust our body to know when we should slow down and when we can speed up. Lets listen to our breath and our heart to we know what they're able to give right now and after the next step and the next. Lets plan ahead for the hills and the level areas. Lets slow down and enjoy the news but never allow it to overshadow the then, the now, or the next step."

Etc., etc., and goodnight,

July 24th, 2005

Although the second season of Dead Like Me isn't that great (the DVD's just came out so I finally get to see them), I must say one thing I love about the show is that though the reapers have more knowledge and perceptions regarding what's going on around them they don't have all the answers.

Went to Walla Walla this weekend. Pictures up, click on Visions.

Have you ever noticed that problems always occur when any of the following states exist:

Someone is being dishonest with you

Someone is being dishonest with themselves

You are being dishonest with someone

You are being dishonest with yourself?

July 20th, 2005

Tonight on the FX show 30 Days a mother of a college Freshman wanted to prove to her daughter that binge drinking was not only dangerous but has a radical effect on one's mind and body. It's amazing what some are willing to do to not only prove their love, but get in another person's shoes.

Some people don't get that.

Do you?

July 18th, 2005

Imagine for a moment it's a warm day during the spring of 1939 and your feeling the fresh air as you drive your new Rolls Royce Phantom III Sedance-de-Ville through the winding roads of the Bavarian Alps when up ahead you see someone causally walking on the side of the road. It's a man in a suit so you decide to slow down to give a friendly wave and as you see him turn your way you recognize an all too familiar face.

Now you don't know how you know this it's just a little voice in your head that you trust but that voice is telling you that on September 1st this guy's going to invade Poland as a pretense to starting a second world war and mass genocide. The vision of millions of innocents dying comes to your mind and you see him as the primary fulcrum.

Two choices seem abundantly clear:

1) Run the fucker over

or

2) Wave and get the hell out of dodge

Of course you're not the type of person to murder anyone but at the same time, one swift jerk of the wheel and you could save the world years of misery. And besides, could you really live with yourself if you didn't?

So you close your eyes, slam head on into the man then hit the breaks and watch him fly into a ditch, bounce off a tree, and fall helplessly to the ground. You drive away as fast as you're able and hear his blood filled cry for help which haunts you as the needle hits eighty. The next day you find yourself in Berlin and are hearing over the radio wire that Hitler was killed in a hit-and-run.

September first comes and you're thinking all's dandy but holy cow, Germany invades Poland? "What the hell?" you're thinking! This can't be, you killed Hitler, that had to change things, make the world better, right?

Nothing seems to have changed. The Germans take Poland, the surrounding countries, and finally France. Italy becomes an allie and the Nazi's take over northern Africa. The offensive begins against Great Britain. On December 7th, 1941 the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. The Jews and all other types of unwanteds are thrown into concentration camps.

Wait, this can't be!

As the war moves forward the Americans enter the fray and you find that although they're making an impact, Germany isn't leaving Africa easily. In fact General Rommel seems to be doing much better than he did in your mental time line, when the British should have driven him into a "fighting backwards" stance he was instead making them dig deeper into the desert sands. September of 1943 comes and goes and the Allies have not taken over Italy as they should have.

No!

June 6th, 1944. D-Day. Or, what would have been D-Day. But there is no attack. The Germans have now lost Africa and Itally, but their generals are too well organized and too experienced to give up France anytimes soon. So the Allies must wait until the following spring.

May 1945, the Allies invade France but the fight is difficult. They have air superiority but it is hard won. The Germans not only have well positioned artillary fire but the Luftwaffe also have a secret weapon, the ME-252 A-1A, a jet that rips the American planes to pieces like a flash of lightening. Yet the allies, with their superior numbers, continue to fight on taking heavy casualties.

December 1946, the Allies have bombed the hell out of Germany and have finally pushed the Germans back. Ironically withing days of each other the first two nuclear weapons are detonated during wartime operations, one over Berlin, the other over New York City. All hope of a peaceful end is lost. The Allies fight with renewed fervour, dropping their last two nuclear warheads over German soil, and finally destroy the last of the Nazi resistance with great losses on both sides. They take the country over and find the concentration camps with few if any survivors--most were killed in retaliation for the nuclear attacks.

Now Japan. The Americans, tired but blood hungry, turn on the small island nation threatening to use their nuclear capabilities if the Japanese do not surrender. The Japanese may be honorable but they're not stupid. The Americans do not know they don't have nuclear weapons but they aren't stupid and offer a cease fire which is taken up in the Pacific Accords of 1947.

But hey, in 1950 there isn't a cold war with the Russians because the Nazi generals weren't stupid enough to attack them. On the other hand, in the 1970's there's another small war in south east asia starting between Japan and the mainland but hey, Deja Vu happens.

2005 comes and things seem pretty much as you remembered them--with the exception of the history books.

I sometimes hear people ask, "Why does God let bad things happen?" Well, God lets bad things happen because He/She/It understand the nature of karma. Lessons must be learned one way or the other both as individuals and as a world. If we knock down one piece the universe reacts. The scenerio I've provided above, while fanciful, is not entirely unrealistic if we were able to take a little trip back in time and get ahold of a classic Rolls.

Being intuitive is often like that. People will ask you to tell them what's to come and you know, only through experience, that what will come naturally is what's meant to be--trying to circumvent that flow unnaturally will lead to the same outcome eventually, but often and ironically in a much less enjoyable manner. In part that has to do with the fact that any of us can only see so far ahead, the rest has to do with the "butterfly effect" and the universe's natural tendency towards being a self correcting system.

So I might be able to sit quietly and take a deep look and tell you what's going to happen this week, but what good will that do you? Perhaps it will provide you a feeling of comfort and self control or a sense of dread, but more often than not you'll still make the same choices and the same mistakes because you are who you are--and it's not easy to change that in a week!

I ran into a similar situation last December where I knew I'd experience three situations at my workplace that would make me want to jump ship. All three occurred within three months time. The first, which happened within a week, had me questioning a friendship, the next brought up questions of professionalism, the last was simply, "Are you going to keep putting up with this?" Whether or not I had known what was about to happen I would have acted the same, that is, to feel stressed out and to spend long hours after work asking myself what the best and most mature course of action was, both for myself and the company--those were some tough moments in 2005 (which, to be honest, has been a very challenging and somewhat lonely year), but there was always some sense that the universe has a natural way about itself.
And that in itself is comforting.

Blessed be your past, present, and future in all things,

July 17th, 2005

Did you know you're psychic? Or that you have the potential to be? Did you know you're partially empathic? And have the potential to become a full blown empath?

It's a common misconception that only certain people have these gifts (if indeed you believe anyone can). It's another that developing the skills is difficult.

Actually, we're all very similar, you and I. The same things that make it difficult for me to see through the veil are the same things that blind you. If I make an assumption based on my beliefs or what I believe has happened in the past (perception is key), I'm allowing my intellect, my left brain, to override that quiet voice in my head that is tuned in to the spiritual. The more often I assume the less I'm able to tune into "reality".

And it's the same with you. The more your idea of how things work is set in stone the less capable you are to be aware of "extra" sensory perceptions. If you assume these people think this way and those people think that way and you're role in life is x, y, z, then you won't have many insights except at those moments where there's a shock to your system like when a loved one dies or someone's about to get in an accident. You open up, you let go of your hooks, and just breath, and you will see the dots lining up into beautiful and sometimes disturbing formations (and you will learn that you're only disturbed when you're being challenged to see and accept a reality bigger than yourself).

It means letting go and ironically it means hanging on. And like a motorcycle you've gotta be careful of how fast you take turns and put on the breaks. Too fast or too hard and you could end up in a wreck.

Ride at a safe speed. As you gain skill and experience, ride a little faster. And so on and so forth. Don't forget to find more seasoned riders to spend your weekends with, you can learn a lot from them.

And so this week my sixth sense was right on enough to upset me and that got it out of kilter which lead to assumptions which were logically and historically based and actually quite rational--but for once in a long while they were off--and I can admit when I'm wrong, that's how I keep learning and growing and picking up on things I "shouldn't" be able to.

"Fear is the mindkiller."

I often forget that mantra when it becomes the most important.

Goodnight.

P.S. Anyone catch the new Army Reserve commercials that promise the ability to goto college while being in the reserves? Is it just me or hasn't our Fuhrer been sending our reserves to Iraq and Afganistan as soon as they're trained and extending their tours of duty for months and years? Honesty in goverment? Not lately.

July 15th, 2005

In 1979 I was six years old and a television show came along. It was called Buck Rogers in the 26th Century. At this age I thought this show was the most awesome and well put together television program I'd ever seen (okay, I admit I liked Classic Trek and the old Battlestar Galactica better, but it came in third!). I remember watching these one episode after another and thought they were just...lets put it this way, while other six year olds were telling people how they'd be police men and fire fighters I told adults I was going to be a star fighter--and I figured in 20 years we'd have the technology.

Unfortunately we spend too much of our time screwing over each other and the planet. Mais c'est la vie, n'est pas?

Although I've been a night owl for most of my adult life for 2005 I've been getting to bed earlier and earlier. However, some Friday evening's I'll stay up until 1 or 2am, especially after a long-hard week, and if the tv is on I might catch Buck Rogers on Sci-Fi as I started doing five or six months back.

It was strange at first seeing these episodes. I remembered the music as if it was yesterday. And it shocks me when people can't remember their early memories because I can remember some of these admittedly poorly written and acted episodes! I don't know if that's an example of a spectacular memory or or wasted brain cells. ;-)

Anyway, it is late and I'm tired and rambling so I'll just get to the point.

The last few months they've been showing episodes from the second season of the show. I had a very strange feeling the first time I saw one of these again--after over 20 years--and I didn't put my finger on it until tonight.

When I was six, at the time where I was watching this show, I'd recognized on a very fundemental level what it meant to be mortal. I also learned that my assumption that everyone was genuine and honest and wanted to get along (like I did) was a load of horse manure. Ha, the irony about that last one is that I thought, "Oh, I met a couple of jerks but everyone else is kind and thoughtful and caring and hopeful"--a lifetime later I'm still looking for those people.

Or maybe the feeling I have now is really in response to the fact that I've stopped looking and started being.

July 14th, 2005

Listen,

I've been going through old credit card statements. Old = 1998 - 1999. Here are some memories:

03/02/98 - UofO Bookstore - $49.95

03/13/98 - Circle K - $2.98

03/08/98 - Caspian Mediter N Cafe $15.00

03/15/98 - Circle K - $4.73

03/17/98 - Circle K - $6.01

04/09/98 - Goodwill - $2.00

04/11/98 - Santa Fe Burrito - $8.87

04/22/98 - High Street Brewery - $6.50

What did I feel when I pulled these out, went through them, and fed them sheet by sheet through the shredder? What did I think when jotting down a few dates and addresses so I can put a biography of my life together to some day give to my daughter some day when she does something really stupid and she's crying and looking for advice and I can say, "Sweetie, that was stupid but I got you beat!" and we can smile and go out for a beer--because by the time she's old enough to do something monumentally stupid we can share a cold Foster's and reminisce about when we were six and things were "simpler".

So what do you think when you come here and read? Think it's about you? That's what most people ask me, was that little piece about me? You know, the piece on June 12th, third paragraph down, second sentence?

Were you thinking about me?

Hey, it's all about you! Do you get it?! None of it's about you! Do you fucking get it?!

Truth be told most of us never learn to do anything but talk to ourselves. Some of us talk with a beer in our hands and at loud boisterous parties. Other of us talk quietly at a table in the corner. Some of us talk to ourselves in thin whiney voices and others all jittery. And some pretend not to talk to themselves at all--but you'll find them hiding in the corner writing on the walls.

I write, maybe you'll listen. I'll write, maybe you'll see. I'll write, and maybe break through the veil and maybe you'll go wow I fucking well get it--but you won't because you assume you do. One of these days I'm not going to be surprised by that one anymore ;)

Talk to yourself too much and you can't see outside the box. Listen too much and you can't see outside the box. Look outside the box and you're just in another box. Break down the box and you're creating another box.

Or just listen to a jazzy tune, open the door, walk around the corner, try a new store, see a dead bird on the street, greet the next person you meet a little different before or the same. And stop thinking so damn much because there's a time for thinking and if it's imprisoning you then it's not the right time!

Get it? Got it?

Blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

July 12th, 2005

Blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah,

July 11th, 2005

There are all kinds of fishermen (and women). Some like the challenge of larger fish. The oceans are their sirens or you can find them on the rivers hoping to snag salmon. There are those that prefer the taste of cat fish and others that like the almost cat like behavior of trout. There are those that eat their fish and those that throw them back. There are those that fish as much as possible and those that fish only rarely and those that keep fish in bowls.

The hook is a fairly simple impliment that most people are born knowing how to build and use. For those who aren't from this back woods planet, the hook must be made out of strong material, something that won't break. The most popular materials include but are not limited to hope, common interests and/or beliefs, family or common backgrounds, emotions such as love, happiness, anger, frustration, loneliness, and hate, etc. These materials typically come in a pure form which must be bent to be effective. Typically the bend is created with hand tools such as naivity, insecurity, low self esteam, dishonesty (towards self and others), inexperience, addiction, conditioning, and self-centeredness. The most common tool is fear which is found in almost every modern household. Last but not least the eye allows the fisherman (or woman) to connect intent to their hooks so that their catch can be pulled directly towards them and into the net. Most fish don't have a clue where they're going to end up once they're hooked.

Some fish learn to see the world in the water and in the boat, learn to see the lines and avoid the hooks. They stop fishing and start removing hooks from their eyes and ears and minds and hearts and spend their remaining years fending off new attempts to snag and pull them in.

Of course the other fish don't listen and that's just how it is.

July 10th, 2005

Years ago I would have judged somebody like you as stiff, predictable, and lacking any excitement or drive. I could sum it up by saying you were a boring "suit" with dead pan humor only the brain dead would laugh at. You're short and though you have this love of wealth and the nicer things you don't have a job. Who needs a superficial looser like that?

Yeah, I've been with the unpredictable, I've jumped at excitement and saw drive where there was only emotional tension. I've been with people who have made me laugh so hard I've ended up crying and wanting to die--so being with someone who dresses to meet the parents isn't such a bad thing after all, is it? So we don't have a lot in common, so what if I know you don't care for me in the way I wanted most of my life, at least I can count on you--more than them, anyway.

My eyes are open this time around.

July 9th, 2005

I have to admit when I first saw you you weren't the kind of person I would have been attracted to. You were different, a little quiet, a little dark, and I didn't know how to approach you. Then I decided to give you a chance and I found you to be one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful people I've ever known. Though you're often treated harshly you retain your identity and your desire for everyone to get along. And I feel so much love for you, you get hurt but you don't give in and you just need someone to care for you and believe in you and I do!

[subtitle: 3 - 4 years later]

I have to admit if I met someone like you again I wouldn't be attracted to them. You are different, too quiet, too depressing, and no one can really get close to you, can they? So I gave you one, two, three, fifty chances and though you were kind and sweet you had to rush deep within your identity to keep it from being destroyed (or destroying itself)--if only you could get along with yourself. I feel so much love for you but you hurt me and even when I'm there for you you don't believe I care. You need to believe in yourself because it doesn't matter if I do.

I can't do this anymore,

July 7th, 2005

OMG! I mean, Oh My GOD! You are absolutely the most wild person I've ever met in my entire life. I love your spontaneity, your ability to do something without rambling on and on about what you might do--I can only imagine how much more life I'd have experienced if I spent less time thinking about what I might do and doing what I've been thinking about doing all along!!! You've got your own look, your own style, your own way of doing things, and you won't take crap from anyone. You're funny and your ability to go straight to the point refreshes me in a way I can hardly describe.

[subtitle: 1 - 2 years later]

OHG! I mean, Oh My GOD! I cannot believe I invested so much of my life in such a chaotic, unpredictable, and callous person! You can never sit still and are always, always, always complaining about boredom! Instead of thinking before you act like a wild animal your ego jumps and consumes everything no matter who gets hurt--and you don't have the slightest clue how this hinders any progress for you or anyone your life touches. In fact you don't give a shit who you hurt because you have your own look, your own style, your own way of doing things, and you do not listen. EVER! Your jokes are anger filled and you're about getting what you want and like the sneaky bastard you are you threw it in front of my face the entire time!

Now sod off,

July 6th, 2005

I can't believe I met someone like you. You're so carefree and aren't afraid to say what's on your mind. You seem to have this carefree and unlimited supply of energy and never let anything get you down. I've asked myself so many times how I'd like to fight the system and here you are someone always talking about fighting corruption! I don't know, there's just something about the wild way you talk, your grins, your clothes!

[subtitle: 3 - 6 months later]

Now that I think about it you're not as carefree as you are ADD and most of what comes out of your mouth is thoughtless dribble. You walk over people without any consideration for their thoughts or feelings and never calm down enough to see life leaving you behind. Instead of fighting the system you talk and talk and talk but your manic energy isn't focused on anything but creating more talk and talk and talk. I don't know, there's just something about the wild way you talk, your grins, and your clothes.

Goodbye,

July 5th, 2005

Today I have one of those headaches you write back home to your mother about. It started this weekend with an allergy attack of the likes I haven't had for many, many years. It's been primarily in my head but also my lungs. I was feeling alright this morning but then I got to work and the hard drive on my primary machine had gone tit's up--so I spent the day trying to work on secondary machines and retrieving data from the fried hard drive and having a few responsibilities as to which the only answer I could give was, "I'll do my best!" Needless to say that and blowing my nose all day (I know, gross, whatever!) has me to now and now my whole head is going gathump, gathump, gathump!

GATHUMP!

I honestly don't have much to say tonight. I am tired and honestly I'm feeling a bit lonely. Though in the past I have saught out companionship I do not wish this in my life right now. As I have shared with so many over the years, for today I prefer the loneliness and comfort of a good book to companionship. And yes, there are many interpretations of this and yes, I have many reasons, some of which I don't feel would be well understood and that's okay. What it all comes down to is I get to make these kinds of choices in my life, as do you, and you can't take that away from another spirit without wishing to imprison them.

I've been challenged a great deal in this regard over the last five years. I have been put, or have attracted, situations, friendships, and relationships into my life that have taught me important lessons in regard to honesty, trust, choice, and love. I wish I were at the point where I could articulate all of my thoughts clearly and in a meaningful way you might easily absorb but I often find myself stumbling over my own fingers. To be quite honest, many of the pages here in The Temple are ones I wrote in my mind years ago but only learned to share externally within the last two. And I am still learning.

So I wish to share the words written by the pen of Don Miguel Ruiz in his masterpiece The Four Agreements since he clearly describes much of what I've come to accept as fundemental truth. May you learn from his words without stumbling as often as I have:

"When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect. It is painful to take that social mask off. If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don't need to be attached to the pain. Healing is on the way, and it's just a matter of time before things will be better for you.

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

And it is good to make conscious ones.