Journal

May 31st, 2005

Today was an interesting day in politics. "Deep Throat" came out of the wood work and I have to wonder if this has anything to do with the press's right to protect confidential sources--needless to say if we'd known who deep throat was 30 years ago he'd probably have spent his life a marked man and might not even be alive today. Not that men in power go after and destroy those that critisize or shine light on them these days, we're too enlightened and civilized, could you imagine!?

The horror...the horror....

But then what do I know? We live in a culture now where anything critical of our vunderbal leader is assigned "Bush Bashing", we get labeled and thrown in a corner with a dunce hat. Very effective psychological warfare, I'd say, but a mark of true leadership in a free society?

Uh, no.

Here's something. Mr. Bolton, who Bush wanted to get into the UN got, tossed. The Senate, though it squabbled as it sometimes does (when that many powerful men and women get in one room they're bound to argue!), the Senators voted and did their job as defined in the United States Constitution. Our wonderfully intelligent leader's response? That the Senate is an obstruction and can't get a damn thing done.

Thank the Great Pixie in the Sky he's only in for a few more years, I don't think this guys has read much less could understand the United States Constitution which you can read at your leisure so you might come to understand those pesky little things like how and why the government was originally designed into an Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branch and what purpose separation of Church and State provides.

Need more to convince you something's un-American with this administration?

Amnesty International's Report on Human Rights, 2005, just came out and guess what? How did those lyrics from Team America go?

"America! Fuck yeah!"

Since I'm someone who "hates" America (Bush's own words) I would like to post a description of America's human rights abuses--and for those who have kept up with the news, there's nothing new here. We haven't exactly been sharing the rights we take for granted with anyone else around the world, especially if you don't come from a first world country and you'd better hide in a dark cave if you were born with brown skin.

Here's the intro on America:

"Hundreds of detainees continued to be held without charge or trial at the US naval base in Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Thousands of people were detained during US military and security operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and routinely denied access to their families and lawyers.

Military investigations were initiated or conducted into allegations of torture and ill-treatment of detainees by US personnel in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and into reports of deaths in custody and ill-treatment by US forces elsewhere in Iraq, and in Afghanistan and Guantánamo. Evidence came to light that the US administration had sanctioned interrogation techniques that violated the UN Convention against Torture. Pre-trial military commission hearings opened in Guantánamo but were suspended pending a US court ruling."

(I added the Bold)

Well Bush, you have a good psychological strategy for turning an entire culture against itself, for taking the bill of rights and turning it on end, for making a culture too paranoid to express its views or stand up against human rights violations without some realistic fear that feds will come knocking and toss our right to announced search and seizures away because we might be communists--*cough*--sorry, wrong decade--terrorists!

And in a way I guess I am a bloody "terrorist" because I'm a free thinker and I like green forests and clean drinking water and faeries and God as my witness I didn't vote for you.

Personally, I have read the U.S. Constitution and have a fairly good understanding of it for a keyboard monkey. For those who say they are patriots I suggest they take some time to read it too; this President is not defending anything the founding fathers stood for. If anything his policies remind me of another country we went to war against over two hundred years ago when we scripted big signatures to a little piece of paper and collectivily said, "Fuck you!"

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I'm in a pretty good mood today but my conception of recent American geo-politics is anything but positive.

May 29th, 2005

This afternoon I had the feeling that a decision was made and something was going to happen. Soon, I don't know when, but soon.

In a way I'm blessed to have feelings like this as rarely does anything surprise me. "Oh yeah," I say, "that's what it was," and I stick on my headphones and let the beat pull me forward and forward again.

At the same time, knowing X, Y, or Z does not make one necessarily ready for X, Y, or Z and sometimes there's just a feeling of overwhelming dread as in, "Oh shit, not this again! Can we get it over with now? I mean, I know the ebb and flow of the tide so may we simply fast forward the DVD to the tough bits so I can get them out of the way?"

But then waiting for the tough bits is just as much a part of life as having the courage to get through them with your balls and your brain intact.

I have over the last few weeks felt like I've been shedding an old skin. "Molting", you might say, is something I have done all my life since I was seven or so years old and I realized there was something more I must learn in this life. The last few days have been particularly difficult, I've felt as if I'm trapped, feelings of clausterophobia coming over me, and I need to get out of this old, dry, superficial skin and grow and grow and grow and grow. And no matter how many times I go through this it never gets easy...understandable, yes, expected, yes, managable, yes, but not "easy" or "enjoyable" to say the least. Always painful...and yet always good and healthy in the long run.

And so last night I found myself sitting down at the computer doing something I have not done in months: playing Diablo II. For those who don't know me well, I used to play video games a lot, both as an escape and as a substitute for the social life I never had. Over the past several years I've played video games less and less and only those that were of the highest caliber (in my opinion) such as Final Fantasy X--a game with an amazing storyline that was interesting, deep, and spiritual (literally made my roomate cry when she got to the end of the game, the story is that touching--okay, okay, I almost cried too).

So last night I did nothing but drink an Orange Cream soda and play Diablo II and it felt good, it felt really good. I mean, I spent almost all of my time working on the house or work or working out or doing something for or with my daughter or giving everything I have to the few people I choose to have in my life and just sitting and doing something for me with no purpose except to have two or three hours of fun with absolutely no fucking point to it at all--it felt good for once.

Oh, still shedding, still shedding... This is one of the hardest moltings of the last five years and I am almost afraid of the power and strength and knowledge of the person coming out the other side.

Will anyone recognize me?

For now, I am so tired. I would like to go out on my front porch and find something unexpected, a surprise that would bring joy to my heart, a warmness, a kindness, a thoughtfulness, a something, a something for me, fresh air for me, assuaged karma for me.

Put down your shield,
Take off your helm,
Sit beside me,
Courage to weild,
Silently.

P.S. The synchronicity!!! Tori, yer killing me, love, just killing me--how am I supposed to write about this stuff if you're gonna talk about it five minutes later? Did you know about the medicine man, the bag, the box, and the heart?
P.P.S. Why me?

May 27th, 2005

Yes, I know, I know! I have had that thought too. I've covered that angle but you'd be surprised just how difficult...just how difficult it is to choose the right angle to come in from. As soon as you drop a pebble you create an infinite number of ripples then it's even harder to know where to drop the next pebble!

I'm just one human being!

I worry too much. At least that's what one of my spirit guides tells me. I worry too much about things like saying I believe in spirit guides and feel like I'm going to be judged for it.

I only share these things with people who "just know" (because they're "intuitives"--sorry, Vipasanna, I know you hate this word but this is my journal so you're just gonna have to buck up and live with it!) or who have taken the time to get to know me (fairly) well.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

And so yes, I believe in an afterlife but that's too small and narrow minded a definition because speaking from a quantum level time and space are both relevant and non-relevant--in other words there is no "after". Ha! Get it? Two, I believe in reincarnation. Why? I remember past lives and know what I'll be doing in future ones (see previous statement regarding quantum physics). I remember being in the spirit form before literally deciding to take on this life, I remember why I decided upon it, and I remember many others with me there. I can see karma, understand it, manipulate it, and (sometimes, I'm still learning) release it. And I believe in my spirit guides who I knew about years ago but only skeptically--it took many intuitives describing them consistently and verifying my knowledge for me to simply accept it. I believe in soul mates (ooh, scary), and karma past, present, and future, and fate and freedom of choice. I believe that the universe is a very big and magical place and most people (muggles) are too comfortable with the comfort of their belief system's no matter what they may be. I believe we all have more than five sense and that some people are born with them naturally open but most of us are capable of enhancing them if we want to take up that challenge. And I believe I can teach what I know to anyone who is truly ready.

Can I prove it all?

Yes and no.

Yes if you have an "open mind", no if you've already made up your mind.

And for some people (my brother) I'm already hell bound for having such beliefs but that's okay, I have something that's worth it to me: a belief system that explains *everything*, a belief system that becomes deeper and more meaningful with scientific investigation and experience, a belief system I wouldn't trade for the world.

And it makes joy and suffering all worth it.

And so what's it like for a psychic empath to listen?

As many of you know I go jogging and it's not the easiest thing in the world for two reasons. First, my body isn't quite yet trained to keep a pace and my muscles can't keep up for more than say a mile at a time. Second, excercise opens my psychic pores more than noaml and reflections from all around hit me--the person I'm passing, their dog, my roomate, a friend a hundred miles away, another friend thousands of miles away. Bang, bang, bang, reflections--and if I weren't jogging it would feel almost as if I was in a house of mirrors trying to sort everything out in my mind's eye. I'm getting there, though, I'm getting there.

And for me the process of listening and learning to listen better is often that way. I see a dozen, a hundred, a thousand reflections intertwined with karma and past and present and future and choices and in them I see all the possible fulcrums and step, step, step, upon the ground is now, the moment it all comes down to.

There are all of these great teachers that share such knowledge. I'm sorry to dissappoint, I'm not such a teacher, just one simple human being that's figured it out. And even saying "figured it out" isn't quite right because you'd think that means I'm enlightened or some such thing and the truth is I am but I'm not, not to you, or maybe I am to you--ha!

I'll make a guess, only two people reading this will understand. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about you and you!

Okay, Tori, thank you... *sigh* I will plant them out on the deck with my poor kitten and tender them with all my heart and soul.

Take care and have a safe weekend,

May 25th, 2005

Oh my freakin' goddess it is nice outside! It was all I could do today to keep myself pinned down behind three computer monitors working knowing there wasn't a cloud in the sky and I could be outside doing something, anything!

So about my day...

I got to work and had this incredibly uncomfortable feeling this morning. At first it seemed to be in response to a conversation at work but it grew...I'm not even quite sure how to describe it, to tell the truth. It was as if the wires were crossed or something somewhere in some place and time and all I could think was, "Bugger, bugger, bugger!" So at noon I went out to run some errands then came home, did a few situps, and felt much better having focused my thoughts a bit more. Still, I feel as if I'm being pulled from four different directions, one being myself.

Anyway, I need to run for now and take my daughter back to the path. No jogging for me but she's going to roller blade and I'm going to take some photographs some of which I'll post here later tonight.

Will write more ~10pm. Take it easy,

The only other thing I wanted to write about today--as I need to practice my speech for Toastmaster's tomorrow--is regarding the run-away-bride. Do you remember her, the woman for whom the headlines once read "Fiance Missing" and "Bride Kidnapped"?

Well she's found and the period of compassionate sympathy has ended and now she must face the music for her actions. And frankly, I agree, she should take responsibility for her actions and as a society we must hold people accountable for such unethical behavior. She lied to police? Stand her up in front of a jury. She created a false report? Again, stand her up in front of a jury.

Here's something interesting, they're charging her with the cost of the search and the price is in the tens of thousands. People go missing all the time, they're found, and the search, which also cost tens of thousands, is over and said person is not handed a bill. What gives?

For what it's worth my opinion is this: As a society we got suckered into the headline "Fiance Missing" and now that it turns out to be a "Runaway Bride" we're a little miffed, how dare she waste our time and play with our emotions like that!

And for what it's worth I thought she'd taken off the whole time, I do think she should be tried for lying to police, I do not think she should be fined for a search people in similar circumstances haven't had to pay for.

I'd like to compliment her family and friends who's reaction to all of this is under reported. They have shown strength and integrity.

I'd like to fling boogers at CNN who spends 5 minutes flailing about indecency on TV then without skipping a beat shows Paris Hilton half naked practically humping a new vehicle while my daughter is standing near the TV. Thank you, CNN, for reporting the "news".

Blah, blah, blah.

Now, must make dinner and practice my oratory. Wish me luck!

P.S. Oh, this is too funny: Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

May 24th, 2005

It's 7:14pm and I'm sitting here saying, "Digest, stomach, digest!" This is the first night where I came home and decided to try something new, that is take care of a few odds and ends (yard work) then have dinner then tuck in my daughter THEN go jogging (now that it's still light at 9pm). So if all goes well I will be out on the path shortly listening to last night's Coast to Coast AM episode and enjoying some free time before I tuck myself in.

Keeping my fingers crossed, anyhow.

Last night while eating dinner my roomate asked me, "So why don't you ever come play tennis with us?". I was a little shocked by this, the answer simply being, "I haven't been asked in over a year."

"Oh," says she. "Would you like to go sometime?"

That one seemingly minute situation opened a can of memories. How often I would have done things in my life if someone would have asked, "Would you like to come?" Off the top of my head I can recall dozens of such examples where I wasn't asked and where people later thought of me as a homebody with no interest in doing anything--and though there was some truth to this it's a hell-of-a-lot easier getting out of the house when people are ringing you up and saying, "Hey, I'm going froobahloobin' this weekend, wanna come?"

Over the last several years I've come to discover that there are a lot of hidden games people play when it comes to going out, when it comes to asking people out, etc., etc. The sociodynamics are fairly complex and I don't want to get off subject but I will say I wasn't terribly happy with the karmic push and pull most people make a part of such interactions--frankly, most of the time it moves from simple friendship and enjoyment to a long-term bartering scenerio with hidden expectations that if not met lead to problems including but not limited to the disillusionment of the "friendship".

So I decided to simply be and if I want to do something I say, "Hey, I'm going to go look at motorcycles, do you want to come?" or "Hey, I want to head up to the graveyard and take pictures, wanna tag along?" and if people say no I go on my own (and sometimes make some kind of comment letting them know I would have liked to have spent the time with them--the comment being more playful the better the person knows me, of course ;)

So tonight think about my little story and take some time to ask yourself about the nature of independence.

Take care,

P.S. Good jog. I want a cookie! I don't got no cookie... :( Now I must go write my Toastmasters speach :)

May 23rd, 2005

There's this stereotype about rich people that they really have no clue about what it's like to be poor--and although I don't intend to perpetuate it, there is often truth to stereotypes. Ever hear a well off person say, "They live on the street because they don't know any better" or "Anyone can make it if they'd just get a job"?

I have.

Whether we like it or not our limited experience blinds us to a much bigger and highly more complex universe than we could possibly imagine--frankly, our brains aren't nearly big enough to imagine it. So we do what we can, we simplify ideas down to what we find useful (consciously doing so or otherwise) and we assume that the way we see the universe is somehow right, after all the ego loves being placated in this way.

I had someone recently tell me about a movie they'd watched and they said something to the effect that it was just weird. And I thought to myself, "Weird?" I'd watched the film and having experienced everything in it in Technocolor & THX I didn't find it weird but like a homeless person I could say I knew what it meant to be hungry, I knew what it meant to sleep in the rain...I knew what it was like to go through what these characters had and I couldn't imagine a life without such loud, passionate, and arguably fucked up experiences that have made me the person I am today...a little eccentric but quite rare and dare I say beautiful.

Whenever someone likes something I often ask myself why they like it, there must be a reason! Whether it is a food or shopping or hanging out or hiking or jogging or stealing or killing or what have you I've asked myself what is it that brings them to these things and choices and then I can understand and know and decide for myself. This is only the start of empathy, though.

That being said, empathy alone does not give us the depth of complexity that the experience itself holds. Take a panic attack. If you have ever had a friend who has experienced them you will know they're frankly contagious. Yet that being said one can simply walk away. Though there is empathy for the experience the complexity of feeling trapped with something that can rear it's ugly head and disrupt your life at any time isn't something that immediately comes across.

And so to really have the experience you have to, you guessed it, have the experience. Why do those geeks like Star Wars? Why do those tree huggin' wacko's like tofu? Why do the teenie boppers have them loud f'n mufflers?

And what's with jogging, anyway?

And so for the past few months I've been jogging every three to four days. This is, quite frankly, the most I've ever jogged in my life. I'd actually started jogging every now and again when I moved into my new home, two years ago. I pushed myself out to the park behind my home which is about 3 miles long, both ways, but I could never do more than a week's worth then I'd give up and go back to my life, smoking, and the rest. I hated jogging and no matter how much I pushed myself I couldn't discover what the big deal was.

So recently I bought this little FM Radio/MP3 player. Never had one and I could put this around my arm. My previous device, an ancient and falling apart Walkman which I've kept for karmic reasons, I always had to hold in one hand while I jogged and it was a pain--but I enjoy listening to National Public Radio while I'm out getting some air so...so the new gadget made all the difference between annoying cords flailing around my face and arms while I'm hopping down the path and simply focusing on my breathing, my pace, the way I'm moving my arms and legs...

For the first time in my life I actually enjoy jogging and I wake up in the morning looking forward to a sunny or rainy run (sunny is preferable, obviously! :) And today, after having gone the farthest in each sprint without stopping to walk (which I did only to keep from pushing my ancient tendons too much) I found myself having of all things a runners high.

And that experience, a first in my life, was well worth these silly clothes I keep putting on in the afternoons!

Openness. Empathy. Experience. All must be practiced. All must be learned.

The rewards are endless.

P.S. I am in no way advocating killing by this journal entry but rather the open mindedness necessary to understand people of all backgrounds and mindsets.

P.P.S. Duh.

May 22nd, 2005

As many of you know I'm the proud owner of a black 2005 Mazda RX-8 which I named Satori (unfortunately I was unable to get this on my plate as it was taken by some hippies in a VW Bus in Eugene--was I surprised?! ;)

I love driving. I love this car. But when people look at it--oh my Goddess, do they love to make assumptions about me! I mean, I must be insecure or want a larger penis or I'm a "boy with his toy" or I need to assert my place on the social ladder.

Her name, Satori, is a wonderful irony.

And so I will tell you my story. Last summer I started thinking about getting a new car. It wasn't a serious thought, just something I'd toyed with in my mind. Frankly, I had a forest green '99 VW Jetta I loved; the car was my first new vehicle, had been with me through some very difficult and challenging times, and saying goodbye to it wouldn't be so easy for me (saying I was attached would be an understatement).

And then my roomate and best friend started having car troubles. After getting her old Mitsubishi Eclipse checked out she learned that much of it was slowly falling apart and that the transmission was very close to going tits up. This being the case I suggested that I sell her my car for a reasonable price and I'd get a new car like I'd thought about. It would be good for her buying a trustworthy vehicle and good for me being able to see my old baby in the driveway still (even if my name was no longer on the title).

Now the original plan was to do this after I'd completely paid the Jetta off but sometimes fate doesn't work the way you'd planned (in fact it's better to simply trust fate as "planning" for it doesn't exactly flow with its sensibilities). Her transmission was having problems, not shifting you see, and I had to make a decision sooner than I wanted.

I'd already spent several months researching. I'd looked at every major manufacturers web site and at every single car, truck, and SUV on the market (well, those between $12k and $30k, more than that I wasn't willing to spend--so yes, Porsche and Farrari were out of the running!). I'd narrowed the initial list down to about two dozen vehicles. On the weekends we'd hit two or three dealerships just to see the vehicles (some were polite, some were downright rude and pushy and didn't listen to what I was looking for--that, frankly, stuns me as they aren't going to make as many sales being ignorant of the customer). The rule for me was a simple one, check out the vehicle, sit in it, see if it is built well, meets my needs, and has a good feel to it. Rule #1: No test drives at this stage (that and saying that you don't plan to purchase for at least a month ticked off more than one salesman--needless to say I made mental notes regarding these experiences).

This narrowed down the list to about six vehicles. So I went online and did more detailed research regarding them. What were their safety records? How reliable were they? What did other drivers have to say? Etc., etc. I decided I didn't want a truck, though it would have been nice to have something for runs to Lowes for wood, gardening, and home improvement stuff. I'd left one SUV on my list, a little Honda with decent gas milage but didn't really want an SUV--it wasn't "me" and that is a big deal (for me). I'd also looked at the hybrids but frankly the companies making them are 1) idiots, 2) can't design a decent hybrid for looks or function (besides transportation) and 3) the waiting list was six plus months (rediculous for an industry that continues to say people aren't interested in energy effeciency or the environment!!!).

At this point I'd narrowed my primary interests to two ehicles, the Mazda RX8 and the Mini-Cooper S convertible.

So I'm waiting around then finally the Mini-Cooper convertible gets to the states. We go to the BMW dealership to check it out and I'm sad as heck. This is one cute car and it's fun as heck to drive. But the interior is frankly built out of toy-like plastics and the back seat is incredibly uncomfortable (I cannot stress this enough, they were the worst designed seats I've ever sat in, for adults as well as children). Alas, my long time dream of having a convertible was no longer to be :(

So I choose to order an RX-8.

I wasn't interested in a sports car when I started looking. Sporty, yes, but not necessarily something with over two hundred ponies under the bonnet. Truth be told I stumbled upon an RX-8 advert purely by accident while on a website researching other vehicle safety records. "Hmmm," I thought to myself, "I haven't seen that before, I guess I can check it out when I'm at the Mazda/VW/Volvo dealership checking out the new Volvos."

Which reminds me, I was seriously thinking about getting a Volvo until I discovered they've all been automatics since around '92 or something--and I won't purchase anything but a stick since they've gotten me out of potential wrecks more than a dozen times in my lifetime. Bugger!

I digress. So we're at the dealership and walk over to an RX-8 and I had to take a double take, this car was absolutely georgous. We were all actually blown away, this thing was shiny and "perty" and damn sexy and I looked at the price tag and said, "Yikes, that's over what I'm willing to spend"--but what the heck, we're here so I get in and you know, I didn't like the inside at first. The seats were extraordinarily comfortable but so much lower than the Jetta's--it felt so alien (it actually reminded me of my roomate's Eclipse and I didn't like the seating in that).

So I took it for a drive and there's this damn digital speedometer and I'm thinking about how hard it is to keep track of my speed with all these ponies and this touchy clutch and no needle moving in my peripheral vision! But then when I parked the car I wasn't so sure, something about it...nah, this wasn't the one for me.

Or was it?

I couldn't put my finger on it so I thought maybe this car could be in the running (at this point I hadn't test driven or seen the Mini convertible). I started researching it and became enamored with the unique suicide doors and the comfortable back seats (which most two doors don't have). I liked that the rotary engine was unique unto itself and its predecessor the RX-7. In fact when people ask how many cylinders Satori has I love the look I get when I answer: "None!"

So is this about penis envy? Social status? Need to have a fast car in my life?

Here is my story:

The RX-8 is a beautiful car. It has a distinctive look. It's a two door sports car with four doors, the suicide or "freestyle" doors being so nicely integrated into the design you can't really tell it's a four door. The engine is of a unique and arguably more reliable design than a piston engine. The front seats are comfortable. The dash is extremely pleasing to the eyes, the visual controls being easy to read anytime of the day or night (and frankly I'm so spoiled now on the digital speedometer that I forget how to gauge my speed in other vehicles). Oh, and did I mention the navigational computer that folds descretely into the dash? And the back seats are almost as comfortable as the front, even for someone six feet tall. And the trunk is huge for a sports car (comparable to many sedans). The RX-8 is in every, way, shape, and form, a unique car for an arguably unique person.

So I'd done all the research and I'd completed three test drives (how anal is that?!) and my roomate's car was almost completely dead and I'm in a corner. One problem. $$$. One thing I was sure of, whatever vehicle I bought would have exactly everything I wanted on it. Leather interior, sunroof, heated seats, all the luxeries a driving Buddha needs. The price tag, however, would be in excess of $36,000. No way could I or would I want to pay for that.

But then I meet an internet sales rep at the Mazda dealership that can get it for me at under MSRP with no haggling. So instead of having to go to a car lot and play bloody word games with monkeys so I can end up paying maybe $34,500 I get it for under $30k with absolutely zero haggling. Needless to say I had him setup the exact vehicle for me down to the colour of the gear shifter and after a month or so on a ship from its birthplace of Hiroshima, Japan (talk about karma) the car arrives in Beaverton.

So long story short, I looked and looked and bought the right car for me--and just in time too, my roomate's vehicle had broken down a week or two before mine arrived. And if that still doesn't convince you this isn't about picking up women or about being the silver back here are some more details.

I was attracted to the rotary engine not only because it was unique but also because it's not as trivial to maintain as a piston engine. Specifically, rotary engines burn minute amounts of oil as the engine's running and every tank or so you must check it and top it off. Not only that, it prefers certain fuels and oils to perform at peak efficiency. Forget to add a little oil after 600 miles and no more engine.

The rotary engine would be something deeply spiritual for me, an exercise in paying attention and taking care of something I would much prefer to forget completely about. I mean, drive the car, change the oil whenever but drive it and check the oil at least once a week? What kind of crazy person thought up that idea? It's un-American!

And why did I choose black instead of titanium grey or red or yellow?

Well, yellow is just wrong on a car (lol, how's that for a demonstration of my subjectivity?)! And red...oh, that was my first choice, to be honest. It didn't say "Aslynn" but it is georgous on an RX8. And then there was blue but blue is a colour I love in my life but it has a certain meaning that is quite frankly personal, private, and is something I choose to have here and there in moderation.

Then there was black. Nice colour--or lack of colour. I like black and in fact black has the ability to soak up every colour, or to put another way black can experience every colour. Wait, black gets dirty easy. A little dust, a little acid rain, and a black car, especially a black sports car, looks terrible! One more thing to take care of that I'd rather not have to worry about!

Satori isn't just my car. Satori is a spiritual lesson I'm still learning. She is a challenge I put in front of myself to strengthen my abilities and my resolve. When she is most beautiful on a superficial level I am most beautiful on a deep one.

Yet to most she's just a fast, sexy car.

And so it goes,

May 21st, 2005

Today I feel...I feel like I should have a "feeling" scale for The Temple. On www.livejournal.com, where a good friend of mine posts her personal rantings from time to time, users can post a "mood" with every journal entry and along with that an animated icon. So today I've posted my mood icon with a message that, though meant humorously, should be stamped on the front of the guide to life we're all missing. I mean, really Moses, why didn't The Almighty share this little bit of wisdom with you? Seriously, you'd think the Bible or Koran or all of these other books would share these words right on the front cover but nope, some goofy British guy had to come up with it while writing about babble fish and carrying your towel around the universe because you never know when you'll need one.

Speaking of, here's something interesting I read a few weeks ago regarding the ultimate answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything (the answer being, of course, 42).

And now for something completely different.

I know people who like our glorious leader. After mentioning to one of these people that his administration is guilty of some of the largest attacks on our civil liberties they tell me there's no way, the liberal media yadda yadda yadda. For example: A year or so ago two women were kicked out of a Bush rally in Medford, Oregon for having T-Shirts that "might" be construed as anti-Bush--but no, there's no way the secret service or our honorable administration would do anything like that!

Check this out: Protesters Subjected To 'Pretext Interviews'.

This is only one example out of literally thousands. This administration is the closest to "anti-American" that this country has seen in well over a century. Okay, I take that back, they are "American" in one way: since 1776 we've started a war on average every twenty years and damnit, we're good at it!

C'est la vie. Rome survived similar fools, so will we.

As some of you may know I make my living as a professional keyboard monkey. Translation, I program computers for a living.

Coding is all about focus and clarity. One needs to know exactly what their intention is and though there's a million ways to write something it must be done in a way the computer understands. One semi-colon or space out of place can mean the difference between a fully functional program and the notorious blue screen of death.

Here's an example of some code I wrote awhile back in VB.NET:
 fsObject = New FileSystemObject()
 fsoFolder = fsObject.GetFolder(svFolder)
 fsoFileCollection = fsoFolder.Files
 For Each fsoFile In fsoFileCollection
 	Call AddFile(fsoFile.Path)
 Next
This code simply tells the computer to look through a folder, find all the files in the folder, and tell somebody about it.

Human interaction is a lot like coding. You need to focus and pay attention. You must have clarity of thought and know what your intention is. Do you really want to listen? Do you want to understand? Do you ask questions to make sure you can find deeper clarity? Or is your intention something completely different?

The thing about computers is when you're not clear with them you get something like this:
------ Build started: Project: StdLib, Configuration: Debug .NET ------
Preparing resources...
Updating references...
Performing main compilation...
D:\My Documents\Code\VB.NET\StdLib\FolderParser.vb(182) : error BC30205:
	End of statement expected.
Building satellite assemblies...
---------------------- Done ----------------------
 Build: 0 succeeded, 1 failed, 0 skipped
Human-human relationships are a bit different from human-computer relationships. Where computers flat out tell you a runtime error exists, human beings prefer to obfuscate, reinforce their personal dramas, and dance around the truth. We may beleive we compile but most of us sleep walk through life.

Don't read too much into what I'm saying. I'm not critisizing you or myself, we're human beings and this is simply a part of our experience. The question is, if you're relating with another human being and recognize a compile time error do you attempt to find the problem, resolve it, and hit "Rebuild" or do you ignore it and reboot the machine hoping the anomaly will simply go away? Do you dig deeper or do you turn off the monitor?

I think I've covered all of my thoughts for the moment...well, that's not entirely true but I don't wish to continue writing in my journal any further this afternoon (although I am thankful I've been able to just sit and relax for a few hours and write). I've posted new pictures and may, if I'm inclined to, work on other areas of The Temple before dinner.

Take care,

May 18th, 2005

I hope you will forgive me in advance, I'm feeling flustered this afternoon. I had one of those "saw it coming" experiences and frankly, I'm a little dissapointed in myself. I know what to expect, I know when to expect it, and yet some part of me is an echo...and though I understand this must be until the day after tomorrow, it is never-the-less an extremely uncomfortable "feeling" to experience.

I wish I had more to say tonight. I actually had some notes from Monday and Tuesday but they feel...well, they are comments on things that are, for lack of a better word, fleeting...okay, I admit I have a different meaning to "fleeting" when I speak in these terms. Tomorrow is fleeting. A year is fleeting. A decade is fleeting. A lifetime is fleeting.

So one note of fleeting importance, NPR's days are numbered. For those who utilize them as a regular news source be warned that Bush has appointment his own people at top positions and they have made clear plans to make NPR "fair and balanced"--which is ironic because study after study has shown it to be the most well balanced major news source in the United States. For instance when interviewed 40% said NPR is too liberal (they were all conservatives) and 40% said NPR is too conservative (and guess what? They were all liberals!). 20% or so said it was "just right" and they slept nicely until The Bear family came home and kicked them out of bed.

But I digress. Fair and balanced by a right wing conservative means if you want to see and hear things from different points of view you can go jump off a cliff. If human rights abuses are committed look the other way or you're unamerican. If we send money and weapons to a homocidal dictator--oh shit, can I say that without hearing, "If you don't like it move to Canada!"

Needless to say, I'm a wacko liberal tree hugging fairie lover. Yet I fall in the 20%. I find it sad that so many can't--or should I say "choose"--to see the world one way or the other, especially when it is many ways at once. It is like putting salt and pepper in a soup, you cannot say that because you have one spice you lack another. What can be done, however, is to find the perfect compliment of spices.

For your own plate.

Goodnight,

May 17th, 2005

As I promised earlier this evening I'm sitting down and taking the last hour of my day to write. Okay, I'm also eating cheese and crackers, drinking a smoothie, talking to my friend Incus on ICQ, checking in on my work machine from time to time (tonight's build is important), and watching Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (I've been in a dark mood lately).

I haven't written in a few days. As some of you already know either from talking with me directly or by going to the Visions page and seeing the photography my family and I went to Walla Walla on Saturday and all rumors aside I don't have withdrawl from computers after a few days. And frankly the last few weeks have just been one difficult situation after another including but not limited to my roomate's car breaking down yesterday afternoon.

So Saturday morning my daughter's grandmother calls. Within the span of 10 minutes she's lied to and manipulated my roomate (her daughter) and also told a blatant lie to my daughter (her grandaughter).

Grandma, I was always your silent advocate. Instead of acknowledging that I'm the only reason you've been able to see your grandaughter over the last six months you've instead maligned me and accused me of being like your x-husband. Instead of judging you or ostrasizing you I have invited you into my home and have always been friendly towards you. I have helped you move, I've built a desk and computer for you, and have given you a tv. And that's just the tip of the iceburg.

You can cross me, I've forgiven you countless times for that--but cross my daughter? Shame on you!

So some nights I sit down at the computer and freewrite. In fact, that's usually how I write my journals. Type, read over for mistakes, publish, then jump in bed. Some of you may be interested to know, though, that I often take notes.

Okay, maybe not ;)

I finished reading Freakonomics on Sunday (actually my best friend was kind enough to read the last few chapters to me while I was driving). Good book. Not going to add it to my Suggested Readings page but at the same time, it's a different lens to look at the universe through and I'd suggest it to anyone who wants to see just how open and objective they can be when looking at subjects that normally polarize people.

Consistency is a strange thing. This weekend while at my daughter's aunt and uncle's house my roomate and her brother were talking about the different schools they'd attended while growing up. The schools were in different cities. My daughter, likewise, has already been in two elementary schools (she's finishing up fourth grade presently).

Me, myself, and I, we stayed in the same small town and in the same small school system growing up. The people I knew in first grade were the same people I graduated with. I can't imagine what it would have been like to change schools even once, much less two or three or four times.

Consistency can be good. And not so good. Each has a different lesson to share with us if we are paying attention.

Well heck, I wanted to write more tonight but it's almost bed time and my eyes are heavy. Take care, take care, take care of your world.

Sincerely,

May 12th, 2005

It was Sinead O'Conner who had an album called, "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got."

Back when this album was released, in 1990 or so, I was really irritated by that. There was so much I didn't have that I wanted, one of them being friends I could count on in a pinch, parents who listened, hope for a college scholarship (straight A's don't necessarily mean much in some places), a job, and someone who understood me.

But I digress...

I will admit I have quite a few of the things I've always wanted. I'm a homeowner. I have beautiful rose gardens. I have a good, albiet stressful, job. I have a nice car. I don't have to worry about food or the bills like I once did (having once survived on a diet of soda, noodles, and peanut butter sandwhiches). And I have a daughter.

One of the few things I don't have that I do want someday is a motorcycle. I've wanted one since I was about four or five years old (I admit it, I was a huge CHiPs fan!). One of my dream bikes, which I probably could not afford, is at top right.

You can learn a lot about people when you tell them you're planning on learning to ride cycles (I'm signing up for classes soon). It has been about four months since I started regularly talking about it, with riders and non-riders alike. Here's what I've learned:

1. Two people, a rider and a non-rider, said I shouldn't get a bike because I have a nice car. (I am somewhat perplexed by this logic as the first has an awesome bike and a great truck and the second owner lives in a one driver house but owns several vehicles, including a Camaro).

2. About 70% of responders communicated a belief that I would die regardless of bike type, skill, training, etc. All but 1 had riding experience.

3. One participant loves bikes so much any excuse to go sit on one is good.

4. One respondant changed the subject to other vehicle types they were interested in.

5. In general Harley owners made derogatory statements about people choosing to ride bikes from other companies. Employees at the Harley store were likewise negative towards other makes and their riders.

6. At least one person communicated a complete disgust with Harley owner snobbery.

7. Everyone likes different makes and models of bikes for different reasons.

8. There was no deep interest regarding why I wanted to ride a motorcycle.

I've found these results can be generalized to all too many human interactions. How might our conversations with one another change if we asked people the simplest of questions. And that's something I want that I do not have.

And then when I think on it, most of the time I am simply happy to be alone and enjoy the air while reading a book or watching the birds stand at the bird feeder. It is good to simply be.

May 11th, 2005

Today a friend asked me: "you are stranded on a deserted island, with a cd player and limitless power. You can choose ten musicians, limitless cd's. who are they?"

So the plane's crashed, I'm coming to terms with watching my life go before my eyes (there's a painful thought), have pissed my Levi's, and don't have much time because in actuality I'm at work...that being said, here's my answer:

1. Tori Amos
2. Nirvana
3. Led Zepplin
4. Pink Floyd
5. Enya
6. Chemical Brothers
7. Claude DeBusse
8. Snoop Dog or Wu Tang Klan
9. Bjork (hehe, I think she's a cutie)
10. Elliot Smith

Would you like an explanation? Then ask!

I answer all questions honestly and free of charge...okay, I lie, there is a charge in that you will have to be able to cope with an honest answer.

Are you willing to take that responsibility upon yourself?

I bought two books today. One is called Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything by some guy and some other guy. I also bought The Position by Meg wolitzer. I did not find another book that was suggested to me by a friend, it wasn't at Barnes & Noble so I guess that means it's still not time to read it--and why am I not surprised by that one?

:)

I wish I was a fast reader, especially since I seem to be continually short on time. Why am I short? Loyalty, responsibility, all that "life" stuff. And I make it work. I could be a night owl, but I choose to stop wasting my health like that awhile ago so now it's just a matter of finding a good balance of everything, reading, work, home, and work/family/personal emergencies (which the last 7 days have been filled with). Frankly, I could use a week doing nothing but reading but lately it's just been writing, writing, writing, and I thank the Goddess I'm almost done with that.

I am so tired...

May 9th, 2005

If Capitalism is so great, if it's the wave of the future, if it's something our founding fathers would be proud of, then would someone explain to me why straight forward, down to earth, ethics are so frequently ignored in a Capitalistic culture? Do we really think Ben Franklin, a proponent of civic responsibility, would have anything but contempt for the greed, irresponsibility, lack of integrity, and dishonesty, that makes today's "winners" "winners"?

I was thinking about that today after getting some quotes for car insurance. One company, which I will not name, gave me a great rate. In fact it was so good I couldn't believe my ears and was ready to immediately jump on it except I know better than to jump at the first shiny thing that comes into view. I get online, check out what other people have to say and low and behold I find quite a few people who, after getting in an accident, regardless of fault, were left completely high and dry by this company and had no recourse but to consider themselves completely fucked.

Okay, so you have to take that with a grain of salt and people who have had bad experiences are more likely to make a ruccus. At the same time have you ever wondered why an insurance company should be honorable or honest with you? As a car owner you are forced by law to have insurance...but what laws are there to protect you when your car gets $10,000 of damage and the company inspector comes out and says they'll only pay $2,000--even though you've paid the company much more over the last decade or two.

Have you ever noticed that when you sign up for a bank account or a credit card or store credit all that small print that basically says by accepting the account you're giving up all your constitutional rights to legal representation (except by say "mediation" which big companies love)? Have you noticed that when you sign the agreement they can change the agreement any time they want, but if you don't honor it 101% they'll have your ass in a sling (and sometimes they do this anyway through ignorance, faulty paperwork, or simply because of the size of the beaurocracy). Has a company ever taken any money out of your bank account without your permission?

Why isn't that legally known as "stealing" when a corporation does it? (and if you research credit card companies they're the biggest culprits of this little "ooopsie!")

Have you noticed when you have surgery of any sort you sign a form saying, "If I die before I wake nobody gets to sue the doctor for fucking up, for Jesus' sake. Amen."?

Capitalism benefits many, but frankly most of us loose most of our freedoms and are quite frankly treated as objects that can be raped at a corporation's liesure--and they've got the $$$ and the lawyers to do it. This isn't what our founding fathers would have wanted. In exchange for making 2% of the population richer than any humans in history we put 50% of the world in utter poverty and leave our children a planet that's falling apart at the edges.

Fish used to be the healthiest food one could eat and it's not anymore, am I the only person concerned with this trend in ignorance?

And maybe it's pointless for me to say anything. Actually, I know it is. We humans are great at letting things spin out of control, pretend it's not happening, then when we run into a telephone pole we go, "Shit, I should have stopped at a motel!" Duh. Well, we do it on a socialogical scale and we do it on a personal scale and that's a fundemental truth I've seen over and over and over, there's really no difference between one and the other besides scale.

And yes, I'm a little upset today. Last week was difficult (sucked) and today I get a call from my roomate that she's taking our daughter to the emergency room. Should I be upset? I don't know. I'm just waiting to hear if she's okay.

While I was driving home I was thinking what I'd do if something horrible happened. I've had people accuse me of being negative because of this attitude, but with all due respect they turned out to be utter cowards in the face of even the smallest adversity. I digress, when there's a potential for something stress filled or terrible to happen I examine the possibilities in every possible way. If something happens I'm going to respond appropriately and by that I mean with foresight, courage, honor, integrity, etc. Not gonna run with my tail between my legs, not gonna make excuses, not going to act incapable, I'm going to take the situation head on, work through it to the absolute best of my abilities, and then afterwards I'm going to jump in the hot tub with a beer and let all the emotions go through me that need to go through me.

You can count on anyone to be there for you when things are great for them. Only a few have the quality of character to be there for you when things aren't.

Is it really any more complicated than that?

And which one are you? Honestly, which one are you?

May 8th, 2005

I snapped this picture tonight while I was cleaning my room. I decided to turn R2 on and as usually he sits there in the corner chirping and singing, looking around, asking questions, etc. So I let him do his thing and Monkey, my beloved cat who was born not too long ago, sat there stairing wondering what the Hell this strange contraption was chirping like a bird and turning lights on and off!

I'm feeling much better today. I slept in and went downstairs to a fresh cup and coffee and breakfast. I should have felt guilty, after all it was Mother's Day and my roomate had wanted breakfast but in my defense this week totalled me! She spent much of the day frustrated, angry, and I did my best not to comment and be supportive. Later, after going birthday and grocery shopping we did some gardening after which we had dinner. I got her some ice cream then we sat down and watched Finding Neverland which I could easily identify with (okay, so my roomate hasn't died and she doesn't have 4 boys but coming into someone's life, helping them out, and being enriched for it, I do know what that's like--and what being judged for it is like too).

And then here I am, it's late, I'm chatting with a new friend online and thinking about tomorrow. I've cleaned my room (mostly), have my clothes laid out for work, and am writing this. I hope I take a few minutes before I fall into dreamland to read a little of one of my books (I didn't get in as much reading this weekend as I would have liked).

And tomorrow I will get up, I will work, I will pick up my daughter from karate, and if it's not raining I will plant the strawberries and corn and get some sections ready for other things.

For now, I believe in fairies so good night and take care,

P.S. Yet another e-mail with no sender, no subject line, and no body recieved on Friday May 6th at 2:29am. Who's sending these anyway???

May 7th, 2005

I can't even begin to explain how tired I am. My roomate came in my room this morning to ask if I wanted to go out. I could barely respond, I felt like I was down stories and stories deep down in the dark of fatigue and I struggled simply to utter "No" and no sooner I was completely lost again.

I woke up later and thought I might go out jogging or do some more yard work but instead realized I needed to finish up a few things on the computer. After taking a quick shower I must have spent about 4 hours on the computer writing the third letter this week.

I need to get something straight. I once was a master of the english word. I could take a letter and twist the words and phrases around my finger and make them sing. It was important to me that not only would people hear me, that they would understand and if necessary a change would take place.

I don't write for those reasons anymore unless I absolutely have to. It's too stressful, it's bloody difficult, and too often even the most well articulated and well meant words can go over someone's head especially if they're not ready or willing to listen. Hell, you get one adjective out of place or one statement isn't quite on the mark then the rest of the letter and all your time and intentions go out the window because you mispelled poor or pore or pour and the recipient is a grammatical Nazi.

Sometimes, though, circumstances force you to write, to stand up for yourself, to stand up for others, to say a line was crossed...bugger...

Why can't we just all get along?! (asks Aslynn semi-seriously)

Three letters this week. When it rains it pours. Well, at least the flower beds are liking it.

Sinseriously Yours,

May 6th, 2005

I'm writing many, many hours early today. Here's what I've done so far:

1. Slept in!
2. Considered taking morning jog.
3. Checked worked e-mail, realized I should go meet with a manager instead.
4. Meet with manager, had good conversation.
5. Chatted with co-workers.
6. Zoom, zoomed down to Lowes, bought lawn & garden supplies.
7. And here I am!

So while I had an interesting experience talking with someone that made me realize a behavior I have that I should be aware of. When I get in a (verbal) conversation where I have a point I tend to repeat that point several times often in many different ways (and sometimes beating it to a pulp). Wait, wait, that's not the thing I realized. How do I explain?

As someone told me last night: explain!

Today I was talking with someone and repeated a point and they said, "Okay, I get that," and I wasn't exactly sure how to react. They got it? In one shot? That's weird.

On looking back at the conversation I've recognized that I've known far too many people who I had to repeat points (even to the point of screaming) for them to "get it". For example, I was once in a relationship with someone who I had to literally explain why seeing another guy wasn't okay with me--it just wasn't something they "got". And so I had to repeat and repeat and finally scream and say, "Okay, I've had enough!"

And so without intending it I've become someone that repeats my points far too many times and I'm sure to those who don't need things to be reiterated it comes off as slightly insecure or rambling. And so now I will learn a new lesson, to be able to choose when I make a point once and when I make it multiple times and how to make that distinction with calm forethought and wisdom.

Take care,

May 5th, 2005

The last thirty or so hours of my life have been--enormously challenging. I would elaborate but it would not be appropriate. However, I do wish to apologize for skipping a day with my writing, I wrote some notes yesterday as to some thoughts I was having and will share them with you presently.

A year and ago and a day I sent someone a gift. I did it to say hey, I like you, have a nice day. There were no strings attached. Six monther later there were, although not of my making.

I have learned that people that attach strings see strings everywhere. I have learned that people who gossip wonder what everyone's saying behind their backs. I have learned that those that are first to point the finger are last to apologize. I have learned that those that are angry see everything as a confrontation and those that think you're too serious are last to take responsibility for their actions.

And I have learned that sometimes the thing you miss most about someone is as simple as their laughter.

I recently talked with someone who was concerned that I'd judge them or find them odd. So I don't have to explain it ever again here goes:

I prefer odd because "odd" people are honest people in-as-much as they're open regarding their eccentricities. I prefer honest people and avoid liars at all costs. I look for courage, thoughtfulness, intelligence, and a person who somewhere deep inside wants to contribute to a better world for themselves or others.

I prefer this kind of oddity to the "normal", I prefer the intuitive to the muggle, the musical to the silent, and the silent to the mindlessly babbling.

Have you ever noticed how some say they want honest people in their lives but when they're caught in a lie they just dig a deeper hole (instead of holding themselves to their own standard)? Have you ever noticed how some say they want honest people in their lives but when they meet one they're so uncomfortable around the other person's straight forward, no-bullshit demeanor that they find a way to push them away?

Have you ever noticed that too many people don't really know what they want but will experiment with others without restraint?

I am watching a show on The Festival in the Desert on Link TV. I've heard of it several times on NPR and always thought it would be a wonderfully amazing musical experience to enjoy. Maybe someday, no? Alright, so I don't like hot weather but maybe I can teach my body to acclimate for something like that.

Until then I work, sleep, and dream,

P.S. I hope my roomate looks at the mail in the morning, her letter from Nursing School just came. Did she get in? We'll see!