- My friend still hasn’t gotten back to me. Would have made me start cutting myself when I was 17 but I’ve moved past that. I’d say I’d moved past that to blogging, but I’ve moved past that too. I’ve just moved.
- I miss my daughter. But I’m not happy with how her mom turned her against me or how she treated me after I reached out to her after she turned 18. I waited that long because her mom kept making innuendoes that she’d get a lawyer because I was sexually abusing her. Yeah, I’m the bad guy. And YEAH I still have all your fucking e-mails you selfish bitch.
- The food I found in the freezer tonight wasn’t that good.
- I’m happy with the Polaroid Go camera I found tonight for $30. A steal. They go for $100 new and you rarely get them much cheaper on the used marketplace.
- I am thankful my daughter gave me a kitten over ten years ago after she was forcefully taken from me. Still got Katie. She’s a cutie.
- It’s only Tuesday. And I don’t want to work this week. But because of nervousness about my health I just don’t take vacation days off, even if I’d rather be anywhere else using a camera. So I’m working and taking photographic breaks every now and then. See Polaroid Go comment.
- Hoping to spend the next week or so banging out a lot of film. God, it costs a lot, but I can’t have a sex worker because that’s not legal and my wife might look down at me. Also, she doesn’t seem to understand that the reason I’ve spent so much on cameras and time getting into it is not necessarily because I love it, but because I need to fucking get laid and I need a “socially acceptable” outlet. And she’s deaf. So…
- Been refactoring scripts at work this week. It’s going better than I thought, especially with the help of AI which, at least to me, is just Google++. By that I mean back when I started in this industry if I wanted to know how to program something I’d usually have to figure it out myself or get lucky. Then some years later I could Google and other people were having the same problems so I’d learn from them. Now I can Chat-GPT and get a quick, more definitive answer. It’s not a bear hug, but it’s a decent hand shake. Not bad for thirty years time. But AI has a long way to go before it’s actually useful, and by that, it needs to be backed by compassionate human beings and not people merely trying to make money—which makes a hell of a difference in how it relates and the results you get back from any tech system.
- Feels like it should be a Friday. Possibly because I have Friday off and am thinking about taking Thursday off. And tomorrow I’m going to spend an afternoon in a dentist chair getting my teeth repaired. No, no cavities. Just like my life, I’ve done mostly everything right, but the shit they’ve stuck on my teeth has cracked etc. C’est la vie. Insurance won’t cover it of course. Go Team America. (And here I am compiling after millions just lost their health care insurance—all I can say is those that voted Trump deserve it—they literally had 8 years of people like me say, “Yo!”)
- Have to get up for another early morning meeting tomorrow and I’m getting tired of them. Pointless. Mainly because one of the main contributors is in India and half our company is. Waste of time. Waste of $. Make a decision and tell me when I wake up.
- Yes, there are things that companies do that waste money. But Trump and his ilk doesn’t understand or care because it’s usually us bottom feeders though know the nooks and crannies while the CEO’s come and go and talk of Michelangelo. I don’t expect that to change anytime in my lifetime. I’d sooner expect Trump to go to jail. Ha. Ha. He’ll die first just to get out of it.
- I’d like to get back to my book. Just needs editing. And some encouragement. Literally no one (except one x-coworker) has ever encouraged me with my book. Then I have to figure out how to self publish.
- But it might be easier self publishing my dad’s memoir. I know he wanted it, but now one talks about it and when I do family members get quiet. And that’s not cool to me because it’s what so many people in my life have done. Silence. So hoping to talk with my brother about it soon (apparently my dad asked him to read it but not me, so I haven’t, and maybe at some point I’ll understand why). Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Potential for future trauma. Certainty for giving someone something they wanted when no one (but me) was listening.
- I’m also pretty sure when I do nothing I want will be carried out. I’m fucking alive and nobody in my life really listens to my deepest wishes. Literally.
- Still don’t have sex in my dreams. Still could in real life multiple times every day. But I can’t. Any takers? Apparently nobody is reading this blog.
- Watching ST:TMP. Which means I’d love to win the lottery and be able to take the next week off and just have a few days shit ass drunk. Alas, I gotta work. Fucking hell.
- The idea of death really bothers me. It bothers me even more than I don’t feel like I’v done anything “good” to make the world a better place—despite spending most of my life trying to and sacrificing everything, at times, to so. None of those people ever call me up (or even text) to thank me. Fuuuuuu….
Going to stop writing now. But I am glad I’m writing more often.
Cheers.
me