Feel like it’s been going crazy lately. I though the whole going to Austin would be the crazy, but it feels like it’s been crazier coming back. Every day I’ve been busy. Busy with work. Busy with yard work. Busy going through my pictures. Busy with excercise. Busy scanning thousands of family photos. Busy creating a new web site and transferring 5 web sites to the new home server. Busy rebuilding my arcade machine in the kitchen. Did I mention busy with work? And busy getting ready for the upcoming weekend which will be me out and and about taking at least a few thousand photographs, mostly digital, but dozens on film for sure. And finally a dark room class in a week and a half.
I’m just telling you it’s been crazy.
I am, however, getting in a place for writing more, it’s just, you see, most of it has been dedicated to my other sites, not this one, where I share my true feelings. And God Dammnit, I have a lot to share. All from my thoughts and feelings to the political situation all the way down to life, the universe, and everything. As in, have you ever noticed how most people don’t know what it’s like to be lonely? I’m really talking about you, because you’re probably most people. Most of my life I’ve been lucky to have one friend at a time. Now I literally have as many friends as I can count on one hand, but if I want to see or talk to them I have to do all the work. I know a lot of that (short story) has to do with my autism, but I’m super pissed (at least tonight, and most days when I get hyper focused on it) how most people don’t appreciate what and who they have in their lives. I mean, I am grateful I have a roof over my head and a job. But other than that most days my life is eat, sleep, and work. Don’t have people inviting me out for a conversation, something that’s been doubly clear to me since I’ve become more adapt at asking people for photos or what not and getting along fine then suggesting a meetup followed by crickets. Yeah, never had much respect for people who have the gift of community but act like oooooh poor me. I think that’s what forced my first divorce. She had plenty of friends–who she freely complained about–and went out with often enough–but usually didn’t include me.
Anyway, I could also rant on end about photography but that’s what my other site is for. And I do that in a non complaining way. Which is as it should be.
I miss sex. And feeling important. I post a lot of photography to the Portland Photography Group on Facebook just for some validation. Except for the rare response for that, I don’t get much validation, even at work. And there was a day and time where I was mentioned once or twice a month at a company wide level, sometimes by CEO’s, of what I was contributing. But somehow I ended up at a company where I could keep the lights on, automate things to save us hundreds of thousands a year, and barely get a fist bump once a year at higher levels. Maybe that’s what it means to get older? You’re forgotten before you’re forgotten, to help you get used to the idea of death.
And here, thirty years ago, this is exactly the thing that terrified me (though I was also terrified of being homeless and jobless). And I have no one to talk to about it except this blog which nobody reads.
Been told about my previous blog that, “It’s so dark.” Nah, this is just the truth of how I often feel. But I often feel a lot of other things. But nobody’s asking me out to coffee or a hot fueled sex session to talk about them.
C’est la vie.
Back to work tomorrow and the next morrow.
Aslynn
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