I’m in a mood. Frankly, I want to go out drinking and smoking. I’m tired. Tired of the bullshit. And if I could take the week off I would, but I don’t have any more days off. Burnt out. Fortunately I have Friday and next week off. I don’t think I’d be sitting here writing if I didn’t.

Days ago I was going to write about whatever fucking type of specialist pops your joints. The words aren’t coming to me right now. Not surprising, as I’ve been feeling like shit for days and the headaches aren’t going away. Was going to talk about how specialists, in my experience, tend to be dogmatic. No matter what you tell them, they see your symptoms through a very fine lens, from their own Bible, and if something doesn’t fit, they shove it in. So years back, when I wasn’t so savvy on specialists doing this, I was sent to one of these people and they preached—God did they preach—and proceeded, over the next three or so months, to cause permanent damage to my ankles. Fortunately, however, I was at the point back then that when I realized he was ignoring the pain he was putting me in, I stopped going. Another expensive health lesson.

So why am I in a pissy mood?

Went to an allergist yesterday after months waiting. It was on the advice of my cardiologist, who can’t find anything heart-wise wrong with me and while she’s honest enough to be an amazing doctor who can admit she doesn’t know, she wonders if I’m having something like a cytokine storm (similar to what people with COVID would get before they croak). Had a good talk with the allergist, but I was frustrated because I’ve been to allergists many times over my life. I’ve always known I have allergies. A goddamn handkerchief lives in my pocket, for Christ’s sake. But could it be causing something this serious? And if so, why wasn’t it a possible diagnosis in 2007 when I had my first ER visit? Why didn’t the allergist I see around 2009 say something like this was a possibility? So she prescribes a few things and they’re all things (with one exception) that I’m waiting on getting. Tonight, when the pharmacy said one was ready, I did the pre payment on my phone, like it always does, and it charged me over $500. Shocked, I call them, they say blah blah blah, it’ll be sorted out when I pick up. So I go to pick up and it takes about 30 minutes to pay because they’d initially charged me before going through insurance, and after they’d put it through insurance the computer didn’t know whether it was a $60 med (still too much, especially since it falls into the category of “another doctor guessing”) or a $500 med. Finally, paid, came home, and it’s some fucking inhaler that’s so complex to use I have to get my reading glasses and read through the ridiculous directions and now I’m just waiting to see if it has any effect while also crossing all my fingers and toes hoping the actual oral medication will come in tomorrow.

For anyone planning to move to America at any point in their lives some sage advice: Don’t plan to get sick, just die suddenly some day from something cheap, and possibly beneficial for your family, like being run over by an Amazon delivery van.

I really don’t know what else to say right now. I’ve been sick so long I can barely remember being well. All I remember is one day I was jogging three miles every other day and motorcycling everywhere every day. Today I can barely jog for more than a few minutes at a a time, and it’s very painful. I can barely drive some days, so I’d never dare get near a motorcycle. I’m surrounded by a medical world that’s ten thousand times worse than it was when I had babesia/lyme/bartonella. Can’t get a straight answer from any doctor, can’t get an appointment that isn’t months out, and when I finally do get to see someone nobody seems to take me seriously (except my cardiologist who’s the only one who got me in for a test like a PT scan within a couple of days). This is not the life I imagined for myself and I’m so fucking tired of living in a congress where our leadership is so fractured and ineffective (in large part due to how fucking insane the modern Republican has become).

Fuck this, going to at least enjoy a glass or two of wine while watching The Sopranos tonight.

Bleck and goodnight,

Aslynn